نیمه شب midnight

The Hills

2009-10-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

The sun had disappeared behind the western hills. She was driving east and north towards another set of hills. The reflection of the setting sun in the sky had lit the wrinkles of the hills in a totally different way. It seemed as if there was no light but at the same time the hills were shaded, gray, purple, green.
She was driving up hill when the music in the car turned into a calming flamenco. And there was God in the orange and purple sky.

Art Deprived

2009-10-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

I stood in Costco and watched the especial section layering frames of photos and paintings. They were stacked and I found myself browsing them one by one looking for some thing. In my imagination I chose a couple I would like to hang in a guestroom or in a living room. I walked away realizing a great need unattended: need for new art.

One on one

2009-10-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

Physics one on one: A was dragging his cart on the floor. He had filled the cart with sand. Then he continued walked in to the sandbox dragging the full cart and of course slowed down. I was thinking how he could comprehend the concept of friction this way, first hand, when he turned to me and concluded: "the cart gets heavier in the sandbox"! Well, that's the beginning!
Culinary one on one: A makes cake for the bees in the park; ingredients: sand and water.
Fluid mechanics one on one: A was trying to bring water to the sandbox. First he used his bucket and filled it up to the rim, it got too heavy to carry, so he emptied most of it and brought a little water to the sandbox. In his next trip to the water fountain he took his small container and more conveniently brought some water, splashed big drops here and there on his way. On the last trip he took his sieve to the fountain, he had no difficulties bringing that one back!
English one on one: I decided we needed to speak English in the park to make A and the park environment aware of each other. It helped with A's shyness in responding to English speakers. Today an older girl at the fountain started talking to him like a big sister; I could not hear her but she was demanding some thing or directing him to do another thing. A responded very firmly that he was carrying some water for his cake he was making for the bees. The girl stopped talking!

The Tree

2009-09-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight I came home after a very very long and thankfully productive day and a nice chat with RN while driving. I was happy to be home, talking with A and chopping onions while frying turmeric in the pan awaiting the chicken I had defrosted leaving it in the refrigerator before leaving home in the morning. It felt so nice adding ground pepper to and pouring olive oil on the baked and diced potato in the pot. It was nice to be home with my family. It was still nice having dinner with a loud boy and not being able to talk to M as A fills all the spaces in our evenings.

A friend of mine, RD, sends e-mails to me and my other friends once in a while, the sort of e-mails people forward to most other people in their list. RD's e-mails are selected wisely and sent to appropriate list of people. So it is always nice to read her forwarded e-mails.
Once she forwarded the story of a man who came home every night stopping at the tree in front if his house and every morning stopped there leaving home . He was asked about the pauses at the tree side and he responded that every night he left his work problems at the tree and every morning he picked them up but every morning there seemed to be less problems remained than what he had put there the night before.
It was an intriguing story I was contemplating on again today.

Taste of Childhood

2009-09-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

French toast was his treat, my dad's. He never made one failing to remind us a scene or two from "Kramer vs. Kramer".
I made us French Toast this morning and I left a couple soak too long, accidentally. Later when I tried to put them on the pan they just collapsed, so I put them aside to serve myself while serving my beautiful family the beautiful ones. At the table I took the first bite of the too-long-soaked one and aahh... it tasted just like childhood ...

role

2009-09-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the bench she looks toward the sky and inhales all the autumnal fragrance inside. She closes her eyes thinking about thoughts feeling a shooting head ache. She knows that she needs to think stuff through and clear up her mind but this inner struggle to clarify decisions and decide on clarity has become very strenuous lately. She has always been the strong sole who could manage any halter and this seemingly weakness is a newly defined stress by itself. For the first time may be, she feels overwhelmed by the burden of choices on her shoulders. She feels like running away from all this but she does not move a limb as if she is frozen on the bench.
The golden leaves are falling from the tree opposite the bench and covering the still green grass. She needs to define and choose her role: a tree that naturally sheds and regrows, the green grass well maintained year round, or a golden leaf fallen to perish.

Cell-phone

2009-09-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

I turned off my cell on Wednesday at 7:44 PM and it is still off. I still want to check my purse for it feeling some thing is missing; dreamt about it twice that I had missed texts and messages. I am beginning to get used to it now that I am leaving back to California in 13 hours hopefully. I think it needs a week to really get used to life without the high tech and to really start to relax.

Today I met a couple old friends I had not talked to for a while. We met really short but it was still nice to just be able to meet up even for a real friendly chat about every thing.

From Edmonton

2009-09-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is nice to be away from all that fuss going on every day back home (i.e. where I live). It is great being with my mom and sister. A is with me, all cuddly and lovely and now that he is sleeping I feel like missing him so much. M is what we both lack. But Canada is welcoming as always with very polite and to some extend even apologetic people.

Life is resumed

2009-09-07T14:09:00.001-07:00

About two months ago we were walking by a Theatre. The big boards carrying the name of the movies and the timing were so appealing to our eyes and suddenly, in a crisp and fresh moment, we decided to step in, all three of us including A! The first moment we got inside a familiar smell flew upon us, awakening a lost pleasure in depth of the years... we watched Ice Age III. A concluded that we were in TV!!

Later, two days ago we left for Yosemite National Park for the first time since we came to Bay Area three years ago. We had all the camping stuff packed the night before but had no reservation. Leaving at 4:35am we were by the park entrance at 7:59 am, yet were not successful in reserving a first come first serve spot. It was disappointing. I really wanted to camp; not only to feel connected again with my true nature loving adventurous self but also to prove that the life can resume the way it was with our family of three. We hiked for the day and had lunch in a picnic area and headed back still hoping we would be able to find a campsite to accept us. None was achieved but we persevered. We ended up by the forest somewhere down the main road among other people who could not find a spot inside the park and camped there; it was not a campsite, not even a picnic area, but it had land to settle on. M emphasized the importance of land at this point and we did camp, happily and triumphantly.

It was amazing how A was fascinated with first had experiencing the night and the day skies. He wanted to listen to the story of a star at bed time and then the planet Earth. It was really amusing for me to listen to him asking questions about the sky and relating that to the Earth. As if he had comprehended the space the sky and the Earth are in.

In short, the life has just fully resumed!!

The source of attraction

2009-09-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

All the girls in the park want to play with A when he is in the green field kicking his playing ball. I am not sure if that is because of his lady-killer charm or the playing ball he chose at Toys R Us. The ball he chose was pink!

To M

2009-09-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

I received my Graduate Certificate yesterday thanks to M for all his support and encouragements. He believed in me more than I believed myself. From so many angels this certificate is all his.

dependable

2009-08-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

The only earthly figure I can always and always count on; to accept me, to be with me, to comfort me, to understand me, to advise me, to love me, to blame me, to be proud of me, to calm me down, to let me cry when I need a shoulder, to be wise when I need to be crazy, to cry with me, to listen to me, to not listen to me... That figure is my mom ...

Meteor Shower

2009-08-11T22:42:00.001-07:00

It was decided upon early in the evening: we were going to head to highway Seventeen, my most favorite highway in the area, after the dark. A was excited to watch whatever we were excited about, and he knew they were to come at night. He got dressed almost by himself and did not make any objection about brushing his teeth before we left. We drove towards the mountains on the South; where it seemed far away from the light of the city we took an exit and stopped at yet another side road. Standing by the car I laid on the side door supporting my neck on the roof; we could have used a convertible very nicely tonight!
The night sky was so beautifully vast and infinite; All the worries could lift towards the end of the world. The smell and sound of the night, the chirping of the crickets near and far, the presence, all was calming. I got to see three beautiful meteoroids and got very excited, laughing and clapping like a child. M saw five but A did not even realize what all the excitement was about after all. He fell asleep in the car on the way back and I wonder what he would be dreaming about tonight.

Sharing

2009-08-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

He ran to me and very explicitly and loudly and confidently explained: "Mommy! I got upset when this and that happened". Oh was I happy!

Alef Baa (ABC)

2009-08-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

She had not changed at all. She was still standing tall as if she was standing in front of the class, and talked strong as if teaching. She had her smile and her very kind yet firm voice.
I was speechless. I was some how not totally at ease to show my feelings towards her. When she hugged me I could cry, and when we shook hands goodbye I could bend over and kiss her hand in appreciation.
I love her so. She taught me how to read and how to write, she taught me how to sit and how to follow a schedule. She taught me how to count. She is my first grade teacher. I found her after decades, here, in bay area, and I am so grateful for the visit.

Fulfilling

2009-07-31T07:54:00.001-07:00

"Finish the task you started the best way you can. There is no replacement for experience. You earn it and no one can take it away from you."
This is a depiction of the words conveyed to me yesterday by a total stranger. It was exactly what I needed at the moment.
You are taken care of...

Summer

2009-07-30T18:17:00.001-07:00

I am yearning for the summer days as they were when I was still at home with my parents. The cool breeze of AC in the silent pregnant afternoons when my parents were having a nap and my siblings were either resting or silently working in their rooms. I would put on some music in low volume or use my headset to listen to good ones really loud and then sit behind my desk by the window and start sketching. There was a summer I started sketching faces; I loved the face of a boy kid I drew, his eyes were very innocent and his lips so baby like. Then another summer I was mesmerized by horses, heads, and then full bodies, and a painting I finished of a mother and baby horse in front of a barn. I liked this one very much with the mother horse showing such strong legs and solid stand and determined gaze. Later I started sketching feelings; How I felt at the moment and it was so liberating.
I have missed the smell of good quality color pencils.
There was time to read. There was time to work on an English essay. There was time to go out with sisters and friends or to chat with brothers or to bake a cake. I have missed those free days profoundly.
There is still a lot I like to do and I cannot believe or accept that finding time is a challenge.

Ruby World

2009-07-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

This morning I had the pleasure of having a call from SK. We talked for an hour I think, or more, and it felt great! I have known SK for the past twenty two years. She is an amazing friend, wise and charming.

---

We had no plans for this Saturday other than cleaning the house and laundry and ironing and cooking. This is not exactly true, we were going to celebrate our anniversary this Saturday which we ended up not to. Surprisingly though in the end of the day we ended up in Berkeley, impromptu, at 8 PM, to attend a performance by World of Ruby with Kabir and Camille's presence, all three of us. I proposed the idea to M some time after 6PM after listening to my friend's message of invitation and to my pleasing astonishment he did not protest at all!

I love Berkeley, the atmosphere there, the small cluttering houses, the narrow boulevards. We got to the Freight and Salvage Coffee Shop wondering if we could have A with us. The manager was kind and inviting and suggested he would bring A crayons if needed and he would not be charged. We found ourselves sitting rather at the back. A was all silent and attending for the first 40 minutes, then we started becoming creative with cakes and cookies, and after the intermission the crayons came to the rescue.

I really enjoyed the music and the presense I always feel being with Kabir. M liked the performances and meeting Kabir. A seemed to enjoy it too, he was a lovely boy: behaving greatly, greeting people politely, and introducing himself with a charming manner. We were proud. On the way back we enjoyed a double burger at Wendy's drive through as the anniversary dinner ;) The beautiful part was the small chocolate frosty, some thing resembling a true anniversary, at least for me.

Universal Studios

2009-07-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

I liked it!
I want to experience it fully with M and A.
I love Hollywood and the movies and the behind the scenes and the stages and the sound effects and every thing. So there was a lot to like there. I liked the feeling of being there. It was a nice experience.
I found out, again, that my family is not my parents any more; there was an era a day away from them was hardly bearable. But now my family is M. And to A, his family is us, now, only for a while. We better cherish this being his family for now. Otherwise soon he will also have his own family whom he will miss if he spends a day away from them and with us. Strange double standard!

Before Sunset Waltz

2009-07-13T00:44:00.000-07:00

L.A.

2009-07-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

We just arrived, we being my dad and Mitra and myself. No M or A hence all is far away from ideal. We are in our hotel rooms supposedly resting. I drove for 6 hours and feel tired.
My last hotel stay was in W hotel in Montreal, QC just a couple weeks ago; a totally different experience!
I have already missed home.

The Resurrection Day

2009-06-20T22:58:00.001-07:00

“If one kills an innocent person it is as if one has killed all of mankind.”

The girl is in the street.
The girl is shot. A killer shots her.
She falls on the ground.
A man is by her side. The man witnesses her getting shot and falling on the ground. The man witnesses her wound. The man pushes on her wound in the hope to stop the blood. Blood oozes out of her mouth and nose and ears and eyes. Her face is covered with her blood. The blood comes from her heart. The man is shocked.
The man screams. The man witnesses death. He closes his eyes and shouts. The man stops; it is all silent around him; all he can see in his closed eyes is her face, her face covered by the blood that comes out of her heart. He opens his eyes. There is nothing but blood.
The mother relies on her, depends on her, loves her. The mother lives her. The girl is shot. The girl is dead.
The fiance talks to her every night. Her sight sooths him and her words delight him. There is no word tonight. The girl’s mouth is filled by her blood.
The brother looks at her as an achiever, as a person of her word, as a pillar of trust. The pillar of trust is covered with blood.
The father takes pride in the girl. The father looks at her face and his eyes are smiling. The father looks at her face; the face is covered with blood. The father’s eyes are crying.
The girl is waiting at the gate of Heaven. She is waiting for her killer to die. Surely he will die. And when she meets him again, she will claim her blood from his filthy hands. She is not claiming her life. She is claiming her mother’s broken back; she is claiming his father’s bitter sorrow; she is claiming his brother’s mistrust in the world; she is claiming her fiance’s dreams; she is claiming her children, those who never were born, she is claiming the man’s nightmare of death.
She is claiming all mankind's right!

Father's Day

2009-06-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

It is going to be a special father's day in our house tomorrow. Not only we will celebrate the day for M, a wonderful dad I can testify to for ever and ever, my dad is going to arrive at our place at the same day! A is already excited for the occasion although I am not sure if he comprehends the occasion fully. We have prepared gifts and I am planning to bake (ironically) Grandma VI's Coffee Cake. Also to cook M's favorite dinner which I am sure my dad will like too.

I am both excited and a bit anxious. Since I have married, since I have had a home I am the lady of, this is the first time my dad is going to come to my house, and will stay for a couple weeks. All is so very exciting and anticipating and worrisome and happy.

Happy Father's Day to All the Wonderful Dads!

Silence

2009-06-13T23:05:00.001-07:00

...

These Days

2009-06-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

A lot is going on with the upcoming election in Iran. Things look not very promising and it gets to my heart listening to the lies. God have Merci on us!
I learnt a new side in me: I can tolerate a lot of bad going on about me, but my tolerance towards A being harmed is close to zero. I found myself acting like a female lion, furious, knowing that A was picked on at preschool. A did not seem to be sad at all, but I could cry.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: An interesting idea about a person being born old and growing young
Revolutionary Road: The dialogues were mine and that was very very amazing to listen to. I cannot relate to the conclusion fully but the idea was exactly something I have been struggling with: life
Taken: A movie about human traffic that is ongoing even at this very moment. Unreal action, successful suspense, and sad
Nick and Nora's Infinite Play list: A cheesy movie about a few teens, laughed at them a lot
The Reader: A different movie, interesting relationship between a teenager and an older woman; interesting pride
Antonia's Line: Brilliant!
Slumdog Millionaire: Absolutely engaging and sad
Vicki Cristina Barcelona: Loved it!
And so many other movies I will try to write about later