Sitting by the window she is staring at the raindrops on the pool. Drip Drop. She can imagine the sound of the splash, the clash of raindrop on the water, wondering how it can really sound within the depth of the water.
It is a rather chilly night. She opens the window, the room fills up with the sound of the rain all around.
Pulling up the zipper on her sweatshirt she opens the french door. Inhales all the rainy air into the deepest corner of her lungs. She starts running in the rain. She is smiling, laughing, tasting the rain drops in her mouth, squinching her eyes involuntarily feeling the cold of the rain in her eyes. Panting and giggling like a child, she can just speed up. Her hair and face and body are all wet.
She drops the sweatshirt on the ground, dives into the pool, listening to the raindrops from the depth of the water.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
A Couple of Quotations
Before leaving home this morning I read for a few minutes from the book pick article in a rather usual magazine I was reading from, the Costco Connection, but read this sentence a few times and could not stop rereading it:
"... that life is short, that you must chase your passions, your dreams."
Abraham Verghese
Then in the office, I was searching for a book by Gibran Khalil Gibran that I stumbled upon this verse yet again; I loved reading it back during my university era, loved it as a child back then, love it as a mom now, and I know I had written this before in my blog, in Farsi, so here is the original quotation:
"Your Children are not Your Children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."
"... that life is short, that you must chase your passions, your dreams."
Abraham Verghese
Then in the office, I was searching for a book by Gibran Khalil Gibran that I stumbled upon this verse yet again; I loved reading it back during my university era, loved it as a child back then, love it as a mom now, and I know I had written this before in my blog, in Farsi, so here is the original quotation:
"Your Children are not Your Children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Why?
A: What is that car doing?
Me: Which car?
A: That car over there, over the ramp, by the window
Me: He is going through drive through pharmacy
A: Why?
Me: Because he needs to buy medicine
A: Why?
Me: Because he or someone he knows is sick
A: Why?
Me: I am not sure, may be because they didn't wash their hands and ate with yucky hands
A: Why?
Me: I don't know baby! May be because they didn't know they should have washed their hands
A: Why?
Me:?!?!
A: Oh the Sun is going down!
Me: Yes baby! The sun is setting
A: Why?
Me: Because the day is coming to an end
A: Why?
Me: Because the night is starting
A: Why?
Me: Because we need the night to rest
A: Because my pretty moon is coming?
Me: Yes baby! Because your pretty moon is coming :)
Me: A! Please hang your towel on the hanger
A: Why?
...
A: Mommy what day is today?
Me: Thursday
A: But Why?
Me: ??! :)
Me: Which car?
A: That car over there, over the ramp, by the window
Me: He is going through drive through pharmacy
A: Why?
Me: Because he needs to buy medicine
A: Why?
Me: Because he or someone he knows is sick
A: Why?
Me: I am not sure, may be because they didn't wash their hands and ate with yucky hands
A: Why?
Me: I don't know baby! May be because they didn't know they should have washed their hands
A: Why?
Me:?!?!
A: Oh the Sun is going down!
Me: Yes baby! The sun is setting
A: Why?
Me: Because the day is coming to an end
A: Why?
Me: Because the night is starting
A: Why?
Me: Because we need the night to rest
A: Because my pretty moon is coming?
Me: Yes baby! Because your pretty moon is coming :)
Me: A! Please hang your towel on the hanger
A: Why?
...
A: Mommy what day is today?
Me: Thursday
A: But Why?
Me: ??! :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
My 10th Valetine's
I got home late on Friday to find that M had already packed his and A's stuff and I had to only take care of mine.
Saturday morning M took care of our road snacks neatly. All was ready to hit the road to South Lake Tahoe.
It was a pleasant ride. He had picked us the back roads rather than the highway with an amazing scenery. It was unbelievable how all the spring fresh sprouts would lead to snowy mountains by the lake.
It is beautiful here!
On Sunday I got a very beautiful gift. Later I got to ski all by myself while M was taking care of A. I missed them on the lifts but I kind of cherished the loneliness too. I had not skied for four years but it came back to me easily. I actually felt pity for all the years that I had skied in Toronto. It is a totally different experience to ski at just below freezing rather than -20C!
I enjoyed my time very much! I was actually spoiled!
Chinese new year has began. The year of Tiger. Per CM, my Chinese technician, I am going to have a successful year. It may or may not be. I have experienced it several times: it does not stay the same. There are times of happiness and times of sadness, there are times of success and times of defeat. In the end of the story, they all pass. I am going to cherish all the beauties that come to me and try to stay patient with the inevitable ugliness of life as well. In any case, happy Valentine's and Happy Chinese New Year!
Saturday morning M took care of our road snacks neatly. All was ready to hit the road to South Lake Tahoe.
It was a pleasant ride. He had picked us the back roads rather than the highway with an amazing scenery. It was unbelievable how all the spring fresh sprouts would lead to snowy mountains by the lake.
It is beautiful here!
On Sunday I got a very beautiful gift. Later I got to ski all by myself while M was taking care of A. I missed them on the lifts but I kind of cherished the loneliness too. I had not skied for four years but it came back to me easily. I actually felt pity for all the years that I had skied in Toronto. It is a totally different experience to ski at just below freezing rather than -20C!
I enjoyed my time very much! I was actually spoiled!
Chinese new year has began. The year of Tiger. Per CM, my Chinese technician, I am going to have a successful year. It may or may not be. I have experienced it several times: it does not stay the same. There are times of happiness and times of sadness, there are times of success and times of defeat. In the end of the story, they all pass. I am going to cherish all the beauties that come to me and try to stay patient with the inevitable ugliness of life as well. In any case, happy Valentine's and Happy Chinese New Year!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
mothers
The California poppies are blooming, the wildest orange flowers I adore. There are also the yellow wildflowers I don't know their name but similar to the ones bloom in spring back where I grew up. They recklessly cover an area of the wild greens yet they are very innocent in their beauty. These wildflowers remind me of my mother. I think she loved these flowers. I have an image of her in the middle of a vast prairie filled with these flowers and a wide smile on her face. I adored her when I was kid. I still do but I think in a different way.
A gave me a purple card in the shape of a heart with pink hearts pasted randomly on it. I loved it!
A gave me a purple card in the shape of a heart with pink hearts pasted randomly on it. I loved it!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Castle
The candles were lit all around the hall. It had stopped raining outside, the rain drops still sliding down the tall windows sparkling against the dark garden. There was the sound of live music coming from the music room filling the space softly. They were sitting on the huge and old sits at a rather darker corner of the hall silently sipping steaming drinks. They had just come back from an early dinner following their late afternoon runs. They had just started the running ritual but already felt it was an unbreakable habit. It was hard to convince themselves to part, to go to their rooms to get ready for a whole new day tomorrow. They decided to go for a long walk instead.
There was a path through the garden bending around the castle, all wet and slippery but inviting, mysteriously welcoming. There was a grand and heavy door, the unreachable great door, at the end of the path as if holding the surrounding walls together. Since their arrival she had spotted the door at the end of the path through the window of her room. She had desired to discover the door and what it was hiding behind it but had not found the courage. Tonight though his presence had erased any concern.
The closer they got to the door the taller it appeared.
They had to push the door really hard to make the squeaking hinges budge. They could now hear the sound of the unimaginable waves beyond the walls.
There they were, standing on top of a huge rock looking down the vast sea. The full moon appearing from behind the clouds.
There was a path through the garden bending around the castle, all wet and slippery but inviting, mysteriously welcoming. There was a grand and heavy door, the unreachable great door, at the end of the path as if holding the surrounding walls together. Since their arrival she had spotted the door at the end of the path through the window of her room. She had desired to discover the door and what it was hiding behind it but had not found the courage. Tonight though his presence had erased any concern.
The closer they got to the door the taller it appeared.
They had to push the door really hard to make the squeaking hinges budge. They could now hear the sound of the unimaginable waves beyond the walls.
There they were, standing on top of a huge rock looking down the vast sea. The full moon appearing from behind the clouds.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
ELEGY (2008)
Loved the movie!
It has been a long time since I enjoyed a movie so much!
The screenplay was based on a book named "the dying animal" by Philip Roth. I may like to read it one day. Although I am afraid doing so may ruin the image of the relationship the movie was screening. Such a unique relationship starting from a beautiful "shell" and ending with beauty. It was a real "work of art"!
It has been a long time since I enjoyed a movie so much!
The screenplay was based on a book named "the dying animal" by Philip Roth. I may like to read it one day. Although I am afraid doing so may ruin the image of the relationship the movie was screening. Such a unique relationship starting from a beautiful "shell" and ending with beauty. It was a real "work of art"!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Unpredictability
Mr Elegance is a newly discovered friend. I know him for more than two years now but we never chatted like now. I think it all started with him reviewing my and my friends' posts in facebook and inquiring about the meaning of "joon"; the phrase we add after each others name at the beginning of our conversations to show our respect and friendship to the person, like "darling". He calls me "midnight joon" now and also "my only Iranian friend". Honestly that makes me a bit concerned. I am not sure why but I do not necessarily like to be coming across as all Iranian. I think there are other unique stuff about me that matters. It is charming nonetheless and gladly I do not think that is all he sees in me either. What intrigues me about him is his honest remarks and curiosity about my background. Again, it is hard really to try to convey which part of me is my background culture and which part is really all me: a mixture of persona, different cultures I have lived in, inner self, learning, and original thoughts . True though, ones culture affects her personality a lot.
He knew I was struggling with a subject for a couple of nights last week and when I explained to him what that was after the fact he exclaimed it was a trivial matter in the "grand scheme of life". I contemplated on that and I cannot agree with him more. I felt a new appreciation for the grand scheme of life today.
The fact is that the more I get to talk to him the less I think I know him. He is interestingly capricious. On the other hand I have told him so much about myself, my background, my choices in life, my concerns, my dilemmas, I feel vulnerable to some extent. I feel I have lost the unpredictability of the rabbit; the way don Juan had advised Carlos Castaneda; "it is more exciting not to know which bush the rabbit is hiding behind than to behave as though we know everything". I don't think I need to worry about this with him though.
Last night, interestingly, I even surprised my M and I really enjoyed it. The subject was nothing to brag about but the fact that there are nuances in my reactions that are even unrecognized to my M was refreshing.
He knew I was struggling with a subject for a couple of nights last week and when I explained to him what that was after the fact he exclaimed it was a trivial matter in the "grand scheme of life". I contemplated on that and I cannot agree with him more. I felt a new appreciation for the grand scheme of life today.
The fact is that the more I get to talk to him the less I think I know him. He is interestingly capricious. On the other hand I have told him so much about myself, my background, my choices in life, my concerns, my dilemmas, I feel vulnerable to some extent. I feel I have lost the unpredictability of the rabbit; the way don Juan had advised Carlos Castaneda; "it is more exciting not to know which bush the rabbit is hiding behind than to behave as though we know everything". I don't think I need to worry about this with him though.
Last night, interestingly, I even surprised my M and I really enjoyed it. The subject was nothing to brag about but the fact that there are nuances in my reactions that are even unrecognized to my M was refreshing.
sweet acquaintance
I was in the parking lot walking towards the preschool to pick up A. There was a very young girl carried by her dad. As soon as she saw me she told him "oh, that is A's mom". Wasn't I flattered?
bruised
There was a day when nothing would break. Nothing that would break shattered. Nothing that would shatter mattered.
It was a common practice to forget those things that weren't worth remembering.
Being able to forget is a blessing!
I am waiting for the turn of the moment...
It was a common practice to forget those things that weren't worth remembering.
Being able to forget is a blessing!
I am waiting for the turn of the moment...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Stary night
It was still wet from an earlier rain fall but the sky was all clear now. She was walking back home. Her head towards the vast night sky. It was refreshing to look at the stars after several cloudy nights of showers and rain. It was refreshing to smell the secret scent of spring. A new beginning was just around the corner.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Determination
There are pictures of my teachers on the net. They have been posted there for a few months now and somehow I got to watch them tonight.
I look at her, my math teacher, her style, her eyes, her lips. She was always the symbol of self assurance to me. A person who knew who she was; she was who she wanted to be.
I look at them all. Some have grown much older than I remembered. They are happy though. All happy to be invited back to school I suppose. It was years ago, a decade ago that I was in that school. Studying to go to college, to dream about the future I have made myself today. Of course all along I had God directing me alhamdolellah!
I suddenly feel a deep agony to want to be back at school again. To wake up in the morning and go to school as if it was all that was to do in the world. To be with the friends I had to be with every day, for a whole year, for seven whole years!
This world is just a passing scene. Has always been, and will always be.
I think about her and her determination. Always and always. I would tell her when I meet here. I would tell her if I meet her, ever again.
I look at her, my math teacher, her style, her eyes, her lips. She was always the symbol of self assurance to me. A person who knew who she was; she was who she wanted to be.
I look at them all. Some have grown much older than I remembered. They are happy though. All happy to be invited back to school I suppose. It was years ago, a decade ago that I was in that school. Studying to go to college, to dream about the future I have made myself today. Of course all along I had God directing me alhamdolellah!
I suddenly feel a deep agony to want to be back at school again. To wake up in the morning and go to school as if it was all that was to do in the world. To be with the friends I had to be with every day, for a whole year, for seven whole years!
This world is just a passing scene. Has always been, and will always be.
I think about her and her determination. Always and always. I would tell her when I meet here. I would tell her if I meet her, ever again.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
"chaay e debsh"
She was on facebook when I logged in. So we chat and after quite a long time being away from each other I had a great time. Any time I remembered our conversation today I was smiling.
I know her for a long time now. I really got to know her in high school. Then she went to another city, later I left for another country. She is now living in yet another country. And I don't know when or if or where I will meet her again. It was great never the less to talk to her, just like before. And as she said, our friendship made for a great conversation to have over a real tea break.
I know her for a long time now. I really got to know her in high school. Then she went to another city, later I left for another country. She is now living in yet another country. And I don't know when or if or where I will meet her again. It was great never the less to talk to her, just like before. And as she said, our friendship made for a great conversation to have over a real tea break.
Friday, January 15, 2010
She
I found A at preschool walking in his classroom with a blue "Hello Kitty" purse on his shoulder. I asked what that was to which he replied "it is my backpack". I said "it is a purse and it is for girls". He asked "but why?". I could not help but wonder how to respond to this question: Because it is the social norm??
Driving home A inquired about his "pretty moon". "Where can she be?" he asked. I could not help but smile at his imagination giving the moon a feminine personality.
Driving home A inquired about his "pretty moon". "Where can she be?" he asked. I could not help but smile at his imagination giving the moon a feminine personality.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
After after all
After all, I have a M to fix me up, I have a sister S to call me, I have an A to sing to to sleep, I have a colleague to text me twice, I have a mom to leave me a message, I have a friend to buy me what I needed and bring it over, all before the night is over.
Here is to end the night at a high note ...
Here is to end the night at a high note ...
After all
After all, when there is a night of restless sleeping, there is no family to go to for comfort the next day.
After all, it is only you and me to talk to, about any thing and every thing, whether or not you want to listen.
After all, there is no home more suitable than yours, the one you =can always dine at impromptu.
After all, when something irritates you, you have to deal with it all by yourself. There is no one to take a break with, go shopping with, tell silly stories to laugh with, or just silently sit down and watch a movie with only to forget for a couple hours.
After all, we are immigrants here!
After all, it is only you and me to talk to, about any thing and every thing, whether or not you want to listen.
After all, there is no home more suitable than yours, the one you =can always dine at impromptu.
After all, when something irritates you, you have to deal with it all by yourself. There is no one to take a break with, go shopping with, tell silly stories to laugh with, or just silently sit down and watch a movie with only to forget for a couple hours.
After all, we are immigrants here!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Hafiz
I got to translate Hafiz for two friends. A very odd experience. I loved it!
I am facing a great dilemma in my life, yet again. I keep bouncing between a calm and serene state to a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions. I am calm thinking of Shaikh Kabir and Molana (Mevlana), to surrender, to stay present with my heart, let go, and float. I am totally evil though thinking about my red coworker.
Speaking of red: Gene gave us a self assessment test once in the class in which it divided people in three different categories: Red, Blue, Green. It turned out I was red: a take charge wanting to lead person. His main advise to the whole class: if you are a manager and have two reds in your team make sure to clearly define their territories or you will have constant battle in your team. It seems a common management knowledge and I am surprised how managers do not know it! I have a red coworker who is in my hair almost every day. And I have decided to choose my battles and not let go of what I think I want to win, at least to a good extent. This is the devil in me speaking!
I drove an orange Challenger today, with a manual transmission!! I enjoyed it so much! I did not kill the engine even once even though I had not driven a gear shift for more than 10 years now. I accelerated fast enough to get to the fifth gear, and did I mention I was wearing orange, just for the occasion ;) MH is going to let me drive his car again. I so look forward to it.
We had a couple earthquakes that were felt in the course of the past two days. I am not sure what is going on underneath but I pray to God to take care of my A and M in any stronger event as such. It is scary to think about being away from them at these moments.
I took A to his pediatrician for his regular flu shot today. We debated the subject a lot with M and finally gave in to the idea. A was such a brave boy! He got a yellow lollipop and a strawberry Jumba Juice, his favorite treat. I had left work for the matter so I got online in a coffee shop to check my e-mails while A was enjoying his Jumba Juice and I was sipping on my latte. It made us a neat Friday afternoon. I was home at 4:30 which was yet again a long lost experience. Isn't it exciting that I loved to study our preclinical plan in my spare time waiting for the nurse to call A though? I am grateful for such a job I am so passionate about. No wonder my red colleague brings up the devil in me!
A's favorite book at the moment: "Dr Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham". He has it memorized. And he is intrigued with the idea that I used the phrases in the book to encourage him try a new food. He uses that back at me now.
I am going to Santa Cruz again tomorrow night enshaalaa. And I am taking a couple friends with me this time: EE and MGAP. I don't know why but I feel proud. There are a couple nice souls there in our Circle who want to learn to read Persian. That is also exciting.
I am facing a great dilemma in my life, yet again. I keep bouncing between a calm and serene state to a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions. I am calm thinking of Shaikh Kabir and Molana (Mevlana), to surrender, to stay present with my heart, let go, and float. I am totally evil though thinking about my red coworker.
Speaking of red: Gene gave us a self assessment test once in the class in which it divided people in three different categories: Red, Blue, Green. It turned out I was red: a take charge wanting to lead person. His main advise to the whole class: if you are a manager and have two reds in your team make sure to clearly define their territories or you will have constant battle in your team. It seems a common management knowledge and I am surprised how managers do not know it! I have a red coworker who is in my hair almost every day. And I have decided to choose my battles and not let go of what I think I want to win, at least to a good extent. This is the devil in me speaking!
I drove an orange Challenger today, with a manual transmission!! I enjoyed it so much! I did not kill the engine even once even though I had not driven a gear shift for more than 10 years now. I accelerated fast enough to get to the fifth gear, and did I mention I was wearing orange, just for the occasion ;) MH is going to let me drive his car again. I so look forward to it.
We had a couple earthquakes that were felt in the course of the past two days. I am not sure what is going on underneath but I pray to God to take care of my A and M in any stronger event as such. It is scary to think about being away from them at these moments.
I took A to his pediatrician for his regular flu shot today. We debated the subject a lot with M and finally gave in to the idea. A was such a brave boy! He got a yellow lollipop and a strawberry Jumba Juice, his favorite treat. I had left work for the matter so I got online in a coffee shop to check my e-mails while A was enjoying his Jumba Juice and I was sipping on my latte. It made us a neat Friday afternoon. I was home at 4:30 which was yet again a long lost experience. Isn't it exciting that I loved to study our preclinical plan in my spare time waiting for the nurse to call A though? I am grateful for such a job I am so passionate about. No wonder my red colleague brings up the devil in me!
A's favorite book at the moment: "Dr Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham". He has it memorized. And he is intrigued with the idea that I used the phrases in the book to encourage him try a new food. He uses that back at me now.
I am going to Santa Cruz again tomorrow night enshaalaa. And I am taking a couple friends with me this time: EE and MGAP. I don't know why but I feel proud. There are a couple nice souls there in our Circle who want to learn to read Persian. That is also exciting.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
acting
I was singing an old song for A while acting the verbs for him. The song was about the benefits of taking showers and safety issues related to being in the bath tub. He giggled and laughed at my acts the way he used to do when he was a baby. And exactly like that era when the song was over he demanded: "again - again".
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
I wish you a very beautiful 2010!
I wish for a year filled with peace and health and justice and compassionate for the whole world!
The holidays are coming to an end. Strangely I have the feeling of end of summer, or end of eid holidays, when I had to get prepared to go to school again. A rather somber feeling I did not expect myself to experience again. The good news is that there are still two more days left before the whole new working year begins. And I am resolute to make my career advancement happen this year.
I wrote a few of my resolutions for the year to come on Wednesday afternoon, lying on a hotel bed in Santa Barbara; some thing I do every year. The next day, playing with A by a beautiful fountain in down town I got interviewed for my resolutions. I shared a few and today I found them along with my name in Santa Barbara News Press 01 JAN 10! It is a strange feeling being published, especially when it was all impromptu.
It was nice being away for the new year. Although A slept about four hours before the new year and we spent those hours in the hotel. A has grown much wiser. He talks very politely lately, at least most of the time. He has grown much taller too. He reads newer books now, so sweetly. And he talks with his toys so amusingly.
I hope to get to visit my whole family this year!
HAPPY 2010!
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