For a long while before I left to visit my motherland, I was fighting this random theory in my heart, that everyone around me was happier than I was; the school moms, the coworkers, the neighbors. Somewhere in the process of feeling unhappy and sorry for myself I had doubted my self worth and self esteem. I was apologetic, then felt mad at myself feeling apologetic.
I am back now, feeling strong, loving, capable again.
I think what was actually happening was how I had missed being loved and respected the way one is among her family and long time friends. In the short time I was there I was overjoyed with love and attention from family, relatives, and friends. In the last evening at my mom's for example I got to talk to my oldest uncle on the phone whom I hadn't talked to for several years; he said I made his day when he heard my voice. This is so routine in Iran perhaps, to hear such loving words from a relative. But to me it was much needed, like water for a dried land; priceless. It was a memory to cherish for eternity. And it was one of hundreds of examples that are now sweet loving memories in my heart.
I think I was away from my motherland for too long. I will plan to go back as frequently as I can to recharge, to feel rooted again, to love and feel loved. Enshala.