Tuesday, December 23, 2008

2008

I am guilty of writing so infrequently, and in English I know... Yet here I am, writing in my beloved blog.
I love the spirit these days. I came to work this morning finding a present from my new manager for the new year. It is a chocolate box with a small note. Some thing I would have never expected from him. And a card from a colleague. And a lunch gathering with a dozen other colleagues.
Tomorrow is going to be the last working day in 2008...
This is the year end and and yet I like the fact that this is a semi-end of the year for me. There is still months left of 1387.
Yalda night was memorable for me this year, Hafiz talked to us so nicely I feel the joy every time I remember our verse; Ours, my family's.
It is cloudy today... The other day, on the way to work, just when I turned a bend on a bridge to head north, there was a rainbow so pure and radiant you could feel God.
One thing I learnt: just to be, and to be grateful. Tough stuff I warn you, but so liberating, may be the ultimate destiny...
Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas!
And Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

there is beauty

calm
smile
ocean
nature
leaf
breeze
blue
kind
future
breathe
content
eyes
friendship
love
hour glass
orange
fragrance
shine
strong
beat
proud
God
truth
colors
walking
tender
present
...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

پاییز


روز‌های آخر پاییز، برگ‌های صد رنگ، هوای ابری
یک حضور بارز در زمان هست

Monday, November 17, 2008

I have to!

I have to write, even if to write that I have to write.

My A has grown very affectionate and very moody. His mood swings from very happy to very angry in a blink of an eye. But he is mostly sweet and he talks like an angle with his head tilted and his black eyes looking into yours with a sincere love.

We walked with M yesterday morning. It was great just to walk in an autumnal breeze.

I got an A- in my 40% midterm and I just submitted another 40% assignment on Thursday, a few minutes before dead line. Some how it is very important for me.

Work is crazy and busy. No need to talk about it.

And life is passing. Since I started this piece of writing a few minutes have passed. And every thing else passes to. My birthday is approaching and it is amusing for my heart that I find my mind thinking about it, about my birthday, in a bitter sweet fashion this time for the first time. I know age is only a number, I believe so. Yet I admit that I have this superficial stereo type about age ranges too. I find myself in need to talk with other friends same age as mine, whose birthdays and a few months before or after mine. I need to call Daniela and talk to Pegah and Nafiseh may be. I think it is mainly because of my crazy ideas and sudden changes in direction. May be I am growing more cautious.

There is a wisdom in the world. I trust that being and his/her wisdom.

Friday, October 31, 2008

heaven and earth

This is this time of the year again: orange.
There is orange and gold and red every where, on the trees, on the brownish blue pond, on the green grass.
I love the calm cloudy mornings, and then the cool midday breezes. Fall is lovely, inviting for a hike in the middle of the woods and inhalation of all the autumnal smell in the air. Love the color, love the chill, love the smell, and love the life underneath the dead costume. Thank God for autumn!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

costume

I made A's fist Halloween costume tonight. I practically brain stormed with myself inside Walmart in the middle of the isle that stocks handicraft accessories. There were foam cut figures, wooden pieces of pre-cut shapes, small clay statues, feathers, sticks, colorful cotton balls, foam balls, foam cones, ... and a few brands of glue. I really put my brain on the isle and here is my master piece:

Do I need to mention I am proud of it? A was with me during the work handing me the feathers. He can sort based on colors now which is lovely to watch. A looks fabulous in feathery black.
Oh, and my 40% assignment is due in two hours and nineteen minutes.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Au Revoir Houston

It is a cloudy day here in Houston, it should be hot and humid outside. The conference is almost over and I am so ready to get back home.
These past nights I called A every night to tell him his bedtime story and sing him his lullaby. The stories are on demand, the second night he asked for the khale bozi story. I changed the story a bit, in which the mother goat was actually going to a conference instead of going to collect food for her kids. I think he liked it, because except for the first night that he asked for Panirak story (which is about a little mouse who was not sure his mom loved him because she demanded him to be careful all the time), the rest of the nights he asked for khale bozi's story.
Time to check out. I am happy. Only worried about my assignment which is due midnight tonight. I have four hours in the plane to work on it though.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

More updates

  • I am completely sleepless and awfully tired
  • Love the conference and cases
  • Met old friends tonight, enjoyed being with them a lot
  • A's voice is extremely sweet over the phone
  • The body works museum: fabe'ayye aalaa'e rabbekomaa tokazzebaan
  • Houston is very wide and flat
  • Met a neurosurgeon who works at UHN in Toronto; encourages me to go back; brain drain
  • Need to wake up at 6:20 am tomorrow
  • It is 1:02 am today
  • Revise: need to wake up at 6:20 am today
  • Have missed my M awfully
  • Chamomile tea does make me calm
  • Ice cream makes me even calmer
  • A cat walked on my lap tonight
  • Good midnight!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A scattered mind in Houston TX

I arrived here last night. It is warm and slightly humid here, which is a nice contrast to the air conditioned conference rooms and cabs. I am here for the LINC conference, mainly focused on neurovascular diseases, case studies, and complications. So far I really liked the first day of the conference.
It is hard though being away from home, i.e. Iran or Canada. Honestly I feel much better and more comfortable in Canada. I know a lot more about the culture, and people are so kind and friendly and welcoming. I feel being tagged on a lot lately, being questioned if I know of a place or of a tradition, and half of the times I don't. It is strange.
Some times I think this is the time I got to be who I want to be. I always have new plans and I always think about sudden changes in direction. However, lately I keep reminding myself that this is all I have got. There is no future to look forward to for being another person. All is present.
One of the sudden changes that cross my mind once in a while is to stay home again, for a year or less, to be with Arman at this age. I am in a deep controversy actually. I am ambitious in my work, I know that, and I like my work. But I love spending more time with Arman too.
I guess my mind is scattered again! But there is a season for every thing. This season is for me to be in Houston, or didn't I choose to be here?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Religon of Love

"Self-righteousness is a disease of religion". [Living presence by Kabir Edmund Helminski]
I am wondering. I am contemplating ...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Happy Eid

Happy Eid every one! It is a little nostalgic the first day after the fasting month, but there is a sense of accomplishment and God willing enlightenment with it which I adore.

I had my first meeting with my new manager today. I was going there and I had this betrayal feeling I had the day I went to a dentist who was neither of my parents. But by the end of the meeting I had a much better feeling. This new manager seems also like a very good mentor, and he knows what he is doing, direct to the point. I am glad and grateful we had this meeting.

There is this saying of "it is not personal, it is business" which I cannot digest. After all we are human beings and whatever we do is personal. The corporate, the business, is only a means through which we show our personality and hopefully grow to be a better person. I think believing in this slang is similar to believing in "it is ego, it is not morale".

Monday, September 29, 2008

a letter from 20 years ago

It is more than twenty years that I can write!
I read a letter, a piece of writing. It was written by me. I had written it twenty years ago and had read it in the public of my family: aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. I read it again today and I thought I was reading another person's writing.
In the letter I had explained that we had fled our cities to a safe place with the whole family. I had impressed how joyful it was to be with all the loved ones and how painful it was for me to think of other people who had not the luxury of a shelter like I had. I was not even 10 years old when I wrote the letter but I felt the ache even now when I read it. When I read what I had written as if reading another person's writing!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

She

She sits on a bench. There are autumn leaves all over the ground. A chilly breeze caresses her hair and blends with her sigh. Her eyes are melting with sorrow. Glimpses of tears at the edge of her eyes become obvious once in a while, tears that never fall down her chick but are welled in her heart.
She looks at the sky. It is blue, autumnal blue.
She gets up the bench and walks to the tall tree in front of her. Puts her two hands on the trunk of the tree. A narrow tall tree, live under her fingers. She follows the tall trunk with her eyes to the sky and roots her feet in the earth. Her tears in her heart becomes the moist inside the branches. The tree is alive. She is alive. That is all that matters. She is.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Restructuring

It has been lovely hearing from concerned friends about my new situation at work. Things are starting to get some form. Our group is restructured with a new manager, and more changes is inevitable.

It was great hearing from my ex-manager after he left that he believed in my abilities to even take leadership role in conducting the tasks, although I am not planning to do so. And it was great revisiting the fact that despite the occasional hardships we had at work we had built a constructive working relationship through which we could conduct efficiently and effectively. I appreciate his mentoring me; like I never forget my experience with the kindest boss I ever had whom I worked with at Canspec.

I have started reviewing some vocabulary work. It is a very nice experience for me, a different hobby, and fun to bring the dusty words from the back of my mind in my daily activities. After all it is words we use to communicate. The thought evolves into words to be told.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dream

There were three friends at our place. We were having something, may be dinner. One of them was playing guitar. And then another friend called, asked if he could join us and I was very happy to find him wanting to spend a lonely night with us.
Did I tell you that I have missed my old friends?

Friday, September 19, 2008

7 days of work

I have been trying to accept the flow of life and not to impose any resistance to it. I am trying to be.

There is nothing permanent in this life.

The impermanent earthly life includes my manager who resigned a couple days ago. I am just observing the dust after his resignation, the people, the flow of life which seems disturbed profoundly. I accepted his departure, and now I accept the people even if their behavior is inappropriate. At the same time I am telling the truth. And I am confessing it has been a challenge for me so far, I am tired. Yet I am going to work tomorrow.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Sunday at Work

I was driving to work early this morning. It was foggy. There were only a few cars on the road. I could not tell if they were also going to work, or were driving to meet a loved one, or to reunite with nature, hiking on the neighboring hills. In any case it was a unique drive.
May be though I wished I was driving to another destination.
I had a call from a loved one. It was sweet.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Love and Presence

There is love flowing around me. I have been among lovers, friends, crushers, and lovers, again. I enjoy it. I like the tone change when they talk, the glow in their face, the way they sound when the name of their lovers come to their lips. This is really joyful.
And I have been reading "the power of now" thanks to VM. He re-introduced the book to me and I bought it, the audio version of it. I love it, more than that I need it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

love and imagination

1) We were at relatives' place on Saturday. In the evening I carried A to the backyard to show him the night sky, the moon, and the tall trees shadowing on the yard. He spotted a tree with pink flowers: "Wow! flowers, they are pink, they are beautiful, they're like mommy"! Since then every time he sees a pink flower he states the same observation "wow, gol, sooratie, ghashange, mesle maamaane"!

2) The other night I bent over his highchair to pull him out. He grabbed my neck in a hug pushing his chick to mine saying: "you are my love!" or actually " to eshghe mani!"!

3) Last night he was playing with his blanket on the floor bundling it this side and that side, then he claimed " I made a deer"!!! Then he changed the configurations claiming: " I made a chicken". All we could see was an untidy blanket... Remember the Boa who had swallowed an elephant and all that the grown ups could see was a hat in "The Little Prince"?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

قدیمی

آرام بگیر فرزندم، آرام ...
زندگی در دستان توست
باران می بارد
و تن خسته و ​غمبارت را می شورد
و غمهایت را نثار بیکران زمین می کند
نه اینکه زمین هست؟
نه اینکه آب هست؟
پریشانی چرا؟
صبح می شود
طلوع، نور، روشنایی، ببین
نه اینکه شب خواهد شد
شب خواهد آمد
تاریک، غریب، آرام، قریب
صبر کن، همین امشب صبر کن
نه اینکه روز خواهد شد؟
چرا اشک نمیریزی که آرامت کنم؟
نه اینکه من هستم؟
زنده شو ...
دیرگاهیست که مرده ای
زنده ات کرده ام
دستت را باز کن
زندگی از دانه دانه انگشتانت به زمینی میریزد که گاهواره ات کرده ام
آرام بگیر فرزندم
زندگی امروز در دستان توست


نسیم نیمه شب

Friday, August 8, 2008

to infinity and beyond

Arman was lying on the ground. Then suddenly he sprung off the floor, went to the wall and put his palms on the wall: "let's go up" -"up where momy?!" -"Let's go to the sealing" -"!!!! you want to go to the sealing?!" -"Let's climb the wall to get to the sealing" -"Sure, you go ahead and try, but it is gonna be difficult"...
I think, as much as I am capable of interpreting my A's thoughts, that he had been observing the fact that a room has six sides and we only use one, so he wanted to make sure he would use the rest of the space.
I used to walk while my head was tilted all the way to the back and my gaze was at the sealing when I was a child, to experience how it could have been if we were to walk on the sealing, what obstacles were there and so on and so forth. But I was totally amuzed by A's willingness to walk the wall to reach the sealing and really walk the sealing!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Eid

Happy Eid!

Suddenly things are back in place in my mind. I have been debating on so many things all of which were dependent on some other things in my life. So it was almost impossible to decide on them all at once. Then during the past holy week a decision some one else made indirectly limited my options and since then I have been thinking more clearly. This partial clarity in my mind was very much required. Last night I made a decision on another subject which yet again made me see my path even more transparent. Of course nothing is definite and this fact is another relief by itself; I am flexible enough to change path. After all these, looking at my desired destination, I convey my boat to the waves of life and will trust God to put me to a calm coast, may be even to the ultimate destiny if S/He mays.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Old me

My old self used to write poems. I used to not call them poems though.
I remember some of them. I wrote a couple new ones here, in my blog, when I was my newer version of my old self. So it is not totally an old habit to write.
Then today, I received an e-mail from a dear friend in my heart with one of my old poems in it; I read it in awe.

a few months ago I was reading Ignorance, a novel by Milan Kundera, which was a gift from the same uniquely great friend. There is a few chapters in the book describing Josef reading his diary from his teenage hood. He is more than 40 years at the time. I cannot tell that I had the same feeling as was explained in the book towards this poem, or when I read my old diaries. But at the same time there is some thing that drives me towards this part of the book:

"Josef tries to understand the virgin boy, to put himself in his skin, but he is not capable of it. That sentimentality mixed with sadism, that whole business is completely contrary to his tastes and to his nature. He tears a blank page out of the diary, picks up a pencil, and copies out the sentence "I wallowed in her sadness". He contemplates the two hand writings for a long time: the one from long ago is a little clumsy, but the letters are the same as today's. The resemblance is upsetting, it irritates him, it shocks him. How can two such alien, such opposite beings have same handwriting? What common essence is it that makes a single person of him and this little snot?" Ignorance: A Novel; Page 83

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The cottage

I need a vacation. Need to travel. I need a cottage far away from civilization for a couple of days. The cottage is by a lake and there is a tall mountain not far from the lake which reflects on it. There are trees all around the cottage. Birds chirp on the tree branches and chipmunks run here and there as quick as they are. I spot a deer drinking water from the lake now and then.
There is a bench by the lake, close to the cottage. I sit there most of the day, and night. The moon is full these nights and I don't need a lamp to take me to the bench or lead me back home from there. I sit there before sunset. I write a few lines in my note book. I enjoy writing. Then I read a few pages of my books. I could not pick only one to take with me in this journey. I have five books with me but I take two to the bench before I leave the cottage every time. Watching the sun disappearing behind the mountain I read The Book, and then I pray. There are tears in my eyes and I am happy in my heart.
I go back there around midnight. I love the peace and quiet. There is the lake reflecting the moonlight, and there is every thing reflecting the God's light. This light is not visible all the time but here I can see it clearly.
The sun rises behind the cottage. I detect all the wrinkles on the mountain. How I adore this mountain. There is no desire in me to climb it. I need it to feel tall and be tall and I need me to be tiny in front of it.
The day is here. I have all day to walk, to read, to swim in the blue lake, and to write, to pray.
Around the afternoon I make my last cup of tea and sit on my bench.
They are coming to pick me up. Time to go back to civilization.

Monday, July 21, 2008

These days

I have been missing writing in my blog...
We have guests over for about 10 days now whom will stay for about two months. It has been fun and super busy. I lack some sleep both because of later sleeping times lately and also because of Arman's frequent cries at nights this past week. I am not a coffee drinker and yet I made myself a cup just now at work to artificially wake myself up.
Work is good. Dealing with people makes me learn more about myself. I admit that I don't approve of this self very often lately. There was an era that I was proud of my communication skills, especially back at high school and university. Besides my self esteem and negotiation skills I maintained I had a hidden sort of luck. The opportunities to convey a message just flew to me and it seemed really easy. However, this is no ,ore the case these days. I need to think, and seize opportunities, and rethink and revisit the conversations after the fact. This is amusing though. I am learning that it is not required or even acceptable to be nice all the time.
Arman is brightly growing up. His Persian is awesomely sweet. He is very keen about his sorrounding. I adore him adoring different colors or new cloths on me or spotting the moon in the sky while it is still light. He sings and while we enjoy it he seems enjoying himself too. This is adorable!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

نمیدونی وقتی چشمات پر خوابه به چه رنگه

نمی‌دونی
با صدای عبدالعلی وزیری
آهنگساز: علینقی وزیری
نوازنده تار عبدالعلی وزیری
شعر: هما میرافشار
دستگاه: دشتی

نمی‌دونی، نمی‌دونی
وقتی چشمات پر خوابه،
به چه رنگه، به چه حاله
مثل یک جام شرابه
نمی‌دونی، نمی‌دونی
چه عمیقه، چه سخنگو
مثل اشعار مسیحایی حافظ
یه کتابه یه کتابه
مثل یک جام شرابه
نمی‌دونی، نمی‌دونی
که چه رنگه، چه قشنگه
رنگ آفتاب بهاره
مثل یک جام بلوره
شایدم چشمه‌ی نوره
مثل یک جام شرابه
نمی‌دونی که دل من
توی اون چشمای شوخت
روی اون برکه‌ی آروم
یه حبابه یه حبابه
مثل یک جام شرابه
نمی‌دونی و به جز من
دگری هم نمی‌دونه
که یه دنیا توی اون چشم سیاهه
هرکی گفته، هرکی می‌گه
همه حرفه تو رو می‌خواد بفریبه
جز دل من که پر از عشق و جنونه
حرف اون چشم سیاهو
دل دیگه نمی‌دونه
چشم دیگه نمی‌خونه
نمی‌دونی، نمی‌دونی
وقتی چشمات پر خوابه
به چه رنگه، به چه حاله
مثل یک جام شراب

نمیدونی وقتی چمات

Friday, May 23, 2008

Fire

Yesterday morning I heard in the 7 O'clock news in the morning that the woods in Santa Cruz mountain were on fire. I was driving to work towards north and at the spot I faced south on my journey I saw the thick smoke above those mountains far in the south. I felt deeply sorry. Later that day, on the way back from work I was heading south all the way and spotted the smoke again, this time a huge cloud of smoke above the mountain, yet further south.
Arman woke up early this morning, he usually does. Like the day before the first thing he asked for was Scarloui, his new found train. He loves train. And his favorite show is Thomas the Tank Engine. He watched me getting ready and then he stood by me and bowed and rose in prayer. Later, when I was shining my shoes preparing to leave he asked if I would tune the TV to the Thomas show, I accepted I would. I suggested him to grab Scarloui and watch the show with him. He flew to his room to bring it shouting "Merci maami" happily. He calls me "maami" when he is totally pleased or in his playful mode, and I adore it.
I turned on the TV. There was news on the last channel we watched last night. It was about legalizing gay marriage in California. There were hugs and happy cries in support of the act.
Thomas is on now. Arman is happily watching and waiving goodbye to me.
I open the door. There is smoke, a very strongly smelled smoke, in front of my door!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Hike

We went for a hike on Portola Redwoods State Park to be among the dark green leaves that were inviting me yesterday. The first hour of the hike was merely a joke. We just stepped a few 100 feet. My A was fascinated with the woods, the wood sticks, pines on the ground, dirt, stones, river, ... . And was hardly moving. So after an hour of a somewhat idle walk we sat on a bench and had our lunch. After which we hikes another few miles but A was mainly carried by M and partly carried by me. It was lots of fun hiking with a 23 month old. And by the time we were sure we were the coolest parents to take our baby son for a hike in the woods there came a couple with an even younger baby in a shoulder carrier!
Oh! And yes! We are reaching that time of the year again: A's second birthday! He is growing up. Let's face it. He is going to be a grown man one day, God willing. He wont be "my" man then, or ever. He is always my A.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

A Saturday

Sitting in the library behind a study desk by the window to prepare for my presentation for my course, I gaze at the distant mountains. A mild fog and then dark green bushes on the whole mountain skirt is inviting. Closer to the building there are taller trees. Fresh green leaves, dark red leaves, and palm trees. I realize once more that I have started liking and enjoying Northern California. The sun is still too bright for me here and I still enjoy cloudy days better, but there is beauty. And I like this beauty.
It was about three weeks after the new year, when we had a lunch gathering with Iranian colleagues from other branches in Bay Area to celebrate the new year. I was sitting in MS's van while we were driving to the restaurant. Gazing out of the car window I watched the green grass on the road premises, and the wildest wild flowers in terrain. And that was my very first realization of the beautiful California.
Spring makes every thing prettier I believe.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

وبلاگ

یک مصاحبه با یک خبرنگار عراقی که از عراق برگشته بود...

Blog: Inside Iraq

Post: http://washingtonbureau.typepad.com/iraq/2007/05/a_look_through_.html

خیلی احساس میکنم که این مادر را میفهمم!

به نظر من زمان جنگ در دنیا گذشته است. اما جنگ نه تنها ادامه دارد، جنگها هنوز در پیشند... تاریخ تکرار میشود؟ یا انسان نادانتر؟

Friday, April 18, 2008

Interesting life

We were throwing a congratulatory lunch party for a colleague (AA) who is leaving to Hawaii tomorrow to get married by the end of the next week. I was sitting at the table with another colleague (VM) who is originally from Iraq. We started chatting and I was trying to memorize some Spanish phrases he was trying to teach me(he speaks Spanish); then one thing led to another and finally I found myself telling him about my dream (actually nightmare) last night.
When I woke up I found my whole body aching and all my muscles tense. In my dream there were military planes dropping bombs on the city I was in. I had experienced similar events in real life, being in Iran during the 80s, only I was a kid back then and in my dream last night I was the mom I am, trying to find a shelter for my A! I was then remembering my parents, and all those staying in Iran during the bombardment days and weeks and months, sleeping in the basement, the whole family, and listening to my father telling "Nokhodi"'s stories, and me listening to the sound of the military planes, the sound of the bombs exploding somewhere, and then thinking about my classmate who was crying in the school shelter that same day when the siren invited us all there, then imagining the cry of a baby were the bomb hit and scream of mothers and fathers. I was afraid of the lizards too, who resided in the basement. We were kids. Pure kids. And they were mothers and fathers. Sheltering us under the roof they shared with us. One for all and all for one? Was that the motto? I am amazed how they and we survived all that. And I was telling VM, an Iraqi, about this all ...
VM's life is really like a story itself I should tell you bits and pieces I know in another post may be, God willing.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

weather

Green grapes; AC's cool breeze; ... Is it summer already?
It has been a really hot weekend. It is supposed to cool down again for the week to come.
We went for a two hour hike yesterday. Loved the green! Fresh. New. Crisp. Loved the wild flowers, orange, purple, and white.
M is cooking us some thing for lunch. The only ingredient I wanted to be in the dish was mushrooms. I hear the sound of sizzling veggies and the spoon banging the skillet. Cannot wait to see and taste it. It smells good.
A is walking in the apartment, singing, talking to himself, and pushing his bigger cars. Playing with himself for a change and not bugging either of his parents for a change to read to him, paint with him, or just be with him while he plays.
I have decided on my assignment. I have a new idea I need to act upon.
I have been thinking about my friends who are near and dear in my heart. I am in contact with them mainly via e-mail. I don't find myself missing them though. They are with me. And I enjoy their company, the thought of them being my friend and spending the time to write to me. I feel their positive thinking towards me and that energizes me.
Life is full of harmonies. There are times for chaos too. I am just enjoying this time of alignment.
It is a nice Sunday!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

You do the math

“275,000” homes were destroyed during Hurricane Katrina”
“There are 50,000,000 people without health insurance in the States”
“With the price of a pair of shoes you can change lives”

“The cost of the war in Iraq has been $3,000,000,000,000”.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

بودن در اینجا و حال

چند روز بود که این فکر توی ذهنم غوطه ور بود که امروز میم عزیزم دقیقا به همین نکته اشاره کرد. اینکه دوران نوجوانی و مخصوصا اول جوانی به طرز عجیبی میگذره. هر قدر هم بهت بگند که الان از هفت دنیا آزادی باورت نمیشه و به نظرت همه چیز زیادی مهم میاد. ولی الان که نگاه میکنه انگار حیفت میاد. میگی کاش بهتر گذرونده بودم.

مشکلات داشتیم، نه که نداشتیم. از مدرسه و معدل و کنکور بگیر تا خود دانشگاه و دوستیها و انتخاب همسر و محک زدنهای مخصوص اون دوران. الان که نگاه میکنی انگار اونموقع هیچ مساله ای واسه حل کردن نبود و تازه مشکلهای اساسی شروع شده!

اخیرا یک تعبیر تازه از دنیا و زندگی رو دارم سعی میکنم که درک کنم: انگار عقل جزیی ناگزیر از تجربه این خطاهاست. این تعبیر رو چند روز پیش خوندم. از اون لحظاتی بود که یکباره کتاب رو کنار میگذاری. مکث میکنی، و بعد یک لبخند از قلبت میاد و به لبت میشنه که هوم...

"جهان خلق عالمی است محکوم به حکم زمان و مکان و حالات غیر ارضی مدت و امتداد، حالاتی که از قوه خیال بشر بیرون است. این جهان همواره در ماضی و مستقبل و در «آنجا» است و هرگز حال و حاضر و «اینجا» نیست. حضور و حضرت مختص حق است و مجمع ازل و ابد که منزه از همه آفات زمانی و امور ممتده است و در عین حال مدت و امتداد را در بر گرفته و در آنها ساری است، نه فقط اول هر اولی است بلکه آخر هر آخری است." عارفی از الجزایر/ مارتین لینگز؛ ترجمه نصرا... پورجوادی- ص 130

یا حق!

هفده بدر

رفتیم هفده به در! با فامیل و دوستان و دوستانشون و دوستانمون. خوشحالم که ایرانیم و سنتی دارم که درش روح تازه طبیعت رو جشن میگیریم هر سال.

دوستان قدیمی از تورنتو پیشمون بودند. آخرش اونی که از قبل میشناسی یک چیز دیگست! یک جنس دیگست. نتیجه اینکه اونی که امروز شناختی رو مغتنم بدون چون فردا همون میشه از یک جنس دیگه!

آرمان از اینکه سنگ بندازه توی دریاچه و به قلپ صداش گوش بده خیلی خوشش اومده بود.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

SIZDABEDAR

Have a happy and joyful "Nature's Day" you all!
It has been a good year so far. Unexpected good surprises have come our way and I am optimistic about a nice year ahead. There are also new thought coming to my mind, new visions if you will; I am finding the life moving fast forward. There is a beauty in it: there is nothing too serious to hold on to. It will pass, sooner or later. And at the end of the end there is returning to the beginning. Which is all nice. I am grateful for life!
Have a happy and peaceful year!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

reading twice

we had decided to wear skirt/dress at work today with my girl colleagues. Here is an e-mail I sent this morning which made my colleagues to read it twice to understand!

"Morning summary girls,

I am afraid it is on the chilly side this morning, the same day we decided to go summary. No complaint about the weather though. I hope the nature never acts democrat, then especially in CA it should be sunny every day. Which means no wind or rain, which means no fruit or vegetation, no ranch for horses and cows, ... it will be just sunny!"

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

In Hotel, Again

I am in a hotel room, but this time my M and A are with me. After a long day of talks and presentation and missing them it was soothing knowing that I can be with my beloved ones just with an elevator ride.
Tomorrow night the year will change. Happy Nowruz in advance!
Thanks God for 1386!

Friday, March 14, 2008

walk

We have started a 30-minute afternoon walk with two other colleagues. There is a creek running right beside the building I work in. The path is pretty with fresh green grass. Usually you see ducks floating on the water or napping by the bank. It is such a relaxing scenery. I have started to appreciate dedicating this walk to myself. Considering the fast pace of our lives and the urge at work to deliver before time, where it is very common to have your lunch at your desk, it is really an effort to find 30 minutes to dedicate to oneself.

Friday, March 7, 2008

جهان و کار جهان

یا حق

گفته بودم انگار در ذهن عوام رییس جمهور یعنی مرد سفید. که چرا به زن بودن یا سیاه بودن گیر میکنیم قبل از اینکه مغز و دل را محک بزنیم. امشب در برنامه ها میشنوم که کسی همین نقد را میکند. انگار آنچه گفته بودم انقدر هم که تصور میکردم واضح نبود! جای بحث و گفتگو داشت تا به این نتیجه برسیم!؟... "حجاب چهره جان"!

"نشان اهل خدا عاشقی است با خود دار که در مشایخ شهر این نشان نمیبینم"

شاید مشکل از محک زدن نیست. مشکل خود محک است.

امشب تکه های فیلم سنتوری که در نت هست را دیدم. و قسمتهایی از ماجرای آنها که نداریم. و این برنامه در مورد آن گروه تابع آن دین و آن گروه مشتاق آن کشور و آن گروه مرگ خواه آن مردم و کتاب و روایت و کلام و تفسیر و نقل و خطابه... حالا به هر زبان... افسانه و افسونی که مدهوش میکند...

"بگذار تا ز شارع میخانه بگذریم کز بهر جرعه ای همه محتاج آن دریم"

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

the sweetest imagination

Arman has started giving personality to his toys, especially Boo, his favorite stuffed animal in the shape of a frog. Yesterday he sat on his chair, while Boo was laying there before Arman. So he started laughing sweetly as he was sharing the sit with Boo. Then he realized the sit is too small for them both and he was crushing Boo. So he laughed even louder! Hugging Boo, he started sharing his snack with it :)
Later, his color pencils became alive. He would call them each by their colors, and then talk to each of them individually and then shoot each to one corner.
Later, playing withtoy jungle animals, he started feeding the Elephant and the Giraffe from the small toy tree leaves.
I adore this imagination he has got.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

یک یکشنبه بعد از ظهر

آه ه ه ه

م و آرمان خوابند و من بعد از مدتهاااااا رسیدم کمی وبگردی کنم. حس خوبیه!

اسفند

باز باران با ترانه و بهار با طراوت و نویی در راهه. هر سال این روزهای اسفند که میشه حس خوب و شگفتی دارم. انگار یک جور امید که سال که نو میشه کلی تغییرهای نو و (خدا بخواهد) مثبت هم باهاش همراهه.

این چند ماه گذشته اینجا خیلی بارون اومد. این هفته های اخیر که هوا هم رو به گرمی بود من رو یاد ایام نوروز اصفهان مینداخت: نم بارون و بوی خاک نم خورده و بوی شکوفه ها و نوییه سبزی چمنها و ... هیچوقت با خودم چتر نمیبردم بیرون. بارونهای اونجا رو خیلی دوست داشتم.

امسال ظاهرا لحظه سال تحویل ما در حومه واشنگتن خواهیم بود. قرار شد یک سفره هفت سین مینیاتوری بچینیم. به تعبیر خواهر کوچیکه سالی پر از سفر خواهد بود و به امید خدا سفرهای خوب.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A Beautiful Mind

I am trying to sleep and my mind is full of work-related stuff. I wake up and first thing on my mind is? Job. Then I am at work and I am thinking about? Well of course, job! I am turning to a workaholic? Last night I tried thinking about Hooman joon not to think about job, and this morning I started writing my blog in my mind to force myself out of job-related hurdles and their thoughts.

There is a lot going on at work. On the positive side the yearly evaluation turned out to be really nice and I am happy. I am supposed to be louder though! And not too polite!

As you can see I decided to update my weblog whenever I can, even if it is when I am at work, so bear with me and my English story telling.

Arman is growing new passions, especially for truck, van, mini-van, bus, mini-bus, all of which besides train. There is a rail road track a few miles from where we live. If he hears the sound of the train whistle he gets all excited and tries to find it.

We go to park every day after I/M pick him up if it is not wet. Last night he was telling M what we did:
“park, sen baasi (playing in sand), taab abaasi, Arman sor sore, maamaan sor sore” …!!
Well, yeah, I was sliding down the slide with him.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Movie: "Bootik"

What?...
I am not sure if I got it. Sad movie though. Strange too. Real? Very much possible. Better than many other Persian movies I had seen. Nice plays. Dialogue was not bad.
But, ... what?!

Friday, February 15, 2008

longing

I just want to go somewhere. Alone. Sip some tea, and listen to a live guitar performance.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

هومن


هومن، متولد هیجده بهمن هشتاد و شش. ندیده دوستش دارم.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

وقت

یا هو

زندگی جاریست.

یک لیست نوشته ام از کتابهایی که میخواهم بخوانم و با کتاب "عارفی از الجزایر" شروع کرده ام.

آرمانم هر روز کلمه ای تازه را تجربه میکند. تمام سعیم اینست که هر چه کمتر مهد باشد. عصرها اوقات خوشی داریم. امروز در درست کردن آبگوشت کمکم کرد: من حبوبات را پیمانه میکردم و او در قابلمه سرازیرشان میکرد. البته جویدن دو تا لوبیای خام را هم تجربه کرد!

کار همچنان پر فشار جلو میرود. چهار پروژک دارم که تا آخر ماه باید تحویل دهم. برای کارهایی که گزارش نویسی دارند کار از خانه بازدهی بیشتری دارد ولی متاسفانه خیلی از پروژه هایم احتیاج به حضورم در آزمایشگاه دارد.

برای پذیرش در یک Graduate Certificate در یکی از دانشگاههای این اطراف اقدام کرده بودم که شکر خدا پذیرش گرفتم و دوباره بفهمی نفهمی دانشجو شدم، بصورت پاره وقت در کنار کار تمام وقت و مامان بودن فوق تمام وقت و ... . این چند ماه پیش رو تجربه جالبی میتواند باشد!

و اما برای هر چیزی وقتی معین شده است. آرامش بخش است! نه؟ مثلا برای من گوش دادن به این سی دی فرارسیده بود. یک سی دی داشتم که بیش از گوشه هاییش را گوش نکرده بودم. در این وقت تمام هفته در هر فرصتی که یافتم گوشش کردم و چقدر دوستش داشتم! گروهی از کردهای ایران و عراق و ترکیه به نام "اهل حق" زده اند و خوانده اند. نام سی دی لیلی است که در فرانسه پر شده است.

و در خانواده چشم به راه یک نوزاد هستیم. بیصبرانه قدمش را و دیدارش را مشتاقم. برای آن هم وقتی معین شده است. این وقت اما وقت دلتنگی من است.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

تربیت

چند تا وبلاگ هستند که نویسنده هاشون مامانهای کودکانی هستند هم سن و سال پسر من. همشون هم از ایران مینویسند. گاهی این وبلاگها رو میخونم. گاهی از خوندن دستورالعملهای مادرانه شون دلم میگیره! و گاهی چند ساعتی و حتی چند روزی افسرده میشم. مخصوصا مامانهایی که خونه موندن و این را تنها راه برای فرزندی سالم تربیت کردن میدونند. ولی باز هم به این وبلاگها سر میزنم. مخصوصا یکی دو تایی که کتاب میخونند و کلاس تربیت کودک میرند و تجربه هاشون رو با بقیه سهیم میکنند. به نظرم تجربه خوبیه همراهی باهاشون توی نوشته هاشون. تازگیها وقتی میرم به طرف وبلاگشون سعی میکنم خودم رو آماده کنم برای تناقضهای احتمالی در رفتارهای تربیتیمون و با محک روح و فکر و موقعیت خودم حرفهاشون رو بسنجم. اینجوری خیلی سازنده تره.

اما نکته جالب دیگه این که اونهایی که بچه هاشون خیلی هم سن پسر من هستند تجربه های خیلی مشابهی دارند. این شگفت انگیزه.

به هر حال هم فکر میکنم به طور نسبی خوب یا بد تربیت شدن هر فرزندی رو آخر امر میشه محک زد. روزی که دوست بالغش، همسرش یا فرزندش بگه خدا بیامرزه پدر مادرت رو که اینجوری تربیتت کردند. و اول و آخر قضیه:

ربنا هب لنا من ازواجنا و ذریاتنا قرت اعین!

به نظر من تربیت کاریست ورای اختیارات و معلومات و قابلیتهای بشر. خدا ما رو مادران و پدران و فرزندان خوبی قرار بده! آمین!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

حرفهای به تعویق افتاده

یا هو

عیدهایی که گذشت مبارک!
امیدوارم سال 2008 سالی پر برکت باشه برای همه و سال صلح باشه.
سفر ما هم سفر بسیار خوبی بود. صرفا یک فقره آرمان مریض داشتیم که رو به بهبودیه ولی من رو دو روزه که خونه نشین کرده.
دوست عزیزی دو روز پیشم بود که بودنش عالی بود.

سال میلادی نو خوش!