Goodbye Maternity Leave

This was the last week of my maternity leave. I am going to resume work after just 13.5 weeks outside the job on Monday, enshala. My little angel will be only 12 weeks young when I resume work.

It was a tough week:

First my mom left forcing me to adjust to managing my new life by myself, and then I heard that my supportive boss was resigning. It feels like a complex time for him to leave, exactly when I am coming back to work after several weeks.  My nanny started working this week which added the stress of managing and training her. It was really rough and frankly overwhelming at times.

But then, a God-sent gift: my cousin arrived from New York.

She is a lovely and smart person. She is a few years younger than me and has been in the US practically her whole life. I take pride in her, watching her grow from afar and becoming this successful independent young lady with a very kind soul.

I'm thankful for her visit, being here exactly when I needed her moral support. She listened to me and my dreams and my worries genuinely and then lift my spirit by all her kind words counting my strengths and boosting my confidence.  God bless you my dear cousin!

Now I am trying to resume my trust, in the universe and its intents. Stepping into the new unknown. Excited and I know I can do it, enshala. And I surely miss my 12 months of maternity leave in Canada.

The Employee Appreciation Unified

Today we got invited to M's employees and families appreciation BBQ party.

His company, a high-tech company in the silicon valley, does this every year. Inviting the immediate family of the employees to enjoy an afternoon of foods and fun for kids with clowns and water slides and face paintings and balloons and all.  This year was the first time that I got to attend with M, thanks to maternity leave.  Soon after my arrival I saw one of his colleagues who was happy to have seen their CEO. He described how when he was in the line of food he saw him at the booth serving the employees. He said he didn't recognize him at first but soon he did. Also, he said he was happy to see him conducting such service.

It appeared like a "trend" to me; the executive managers serving the employees I mean.  The reason why is because our company does the similar thing.

In our company, a medical device company, a few times a year we have employee appreciation BBQ, albeit to a way lesser degree but may be more frequently. After conquering major milestones, our company throws an employee BBQ in which, as of late, the executive management serves the employees for the first half an hour or so.  The recency of such conduct makes me think this is a new trend of the business.

Another interesting observation is how our divisional president is so available and so accessible that no one would exclaim to get to meet him. But of course our division is a fraction of the mother company. May be to compare with the evidence experienced by M's colleague today we must have our CEO serving the troop. Still, I'm glad for the leanness of our division and grateful for the presence of our president.

The Few Month Itch

I need to travel.  The last time I was away was in April.  I miss it.
The the joy and anxiety in packing a suitcase, the hustle and bustle of the airport, the possibility of having a drink in an unknown locale, the thrill in driving a new road, the anxiety of sleeping in a strange room, the oddness of finding a spectacular bargain in a most unexpected place, the excitement in trying new dishes, the newness, the expectation in meeting old friends reciting in yet another foreign place, the strolls in exotic promenades.  I miss it.
At to my dear amusement so does my little A.  He said the other day that he was yearning to fly in an airplane again.  Then, the other night, when I told him about our upcoming trip next week, he shouted "finally!  SFO again".  And then was profoundly sad when I told him it was going to be a car trip not more than 5 hours away.
I was pondering again how my main motif to work, first and foremost, is the ability to travel and to vacation with family.  I would be delighted to find my little angle is also one day yearning for travel as much as A does and as much as I do.

A and I en route to Edmonton, AB - June 2012

A in cockpit

To Manage for the First Time

I had managed technicians before.
I am managing an Associate Product Manager now, whom I really am happy with his performance thus far and think of him as an asset.  I actually brought him on board myself after his initiation.
But starting Monday, I will be managing the first person I have hired myself.
I must admit, the hiring process was a humbling experience.  Up until then I thought going to an interview was a difficult task, to get a hiring manager be able to see your abilities in 30-60 minutes.  However, when I was on the hiring shoes this past time I found that equally or even more so challenging.  I needed to figure out the abilities of an interviewee in 30-60 minutes!
I am excited and anxious about it.  I ordered two new books from Amazon and just received them:
Managing Right for the First Time by David Baker
Becoming Resonant Leader by McKee, Boyatzis, Johnston
I have two days to study them.  Grabbing a Orange Blossom drink, opening the shades, and sitting in the backyard reading the books.  That will be my weekend plan.

Rira

"We are all doing fine!
But you don't believe it."
How I miss it deeply suddenly.  His voice.  Khosrow Shakibaii. God bless his soul!
And his words!  Ali Salehi.

There was the high school era.  The time to meet friends, every day.  Every single day.  And the time to dream, dream among those friends of the same thread.  Dream, every day.  Every single day.  Dream all the dreams in the world.  The presence of those friends was enough to make many many dreams seem possible.

"ziba! havaaye hosele abrist"

Now, today, being thousands of thousands of miles away from them, residing on the other side of the world, being out of school for years already, being the wife of a man I love, being the mother of a boy I adore, being the employee of a company I admired, I bump into stop signs on a daily basis.  I see people eye to eye while they are looking at me with their dreamless eyes, with their waxed ears, with their closed mind.  I see people who are looking but cannot see.

Those friends of the same thread are not here to dream with me every day anymore.  Yet, I will continue with my dreaming.  I will continue seeing what other might not be able to see.  I will continue dreaming of bigger dreams.  I will look at the stop signs of the dreamless people and walk through their stop signs.

I am.

Women, Promotion, Pregnancy

Recently my dear friend, FH, recommended me to read the book Lean In by Sherly Sandberg.  I just watched her TED Talk, Why we have too few women leaders, and really enjoyed it. Particularly being pregnant and being interested in promotions   I hope for a motivating job to go back to after maternity leave inshala. And I am hopeful.  Enjoy this TED Talk!

Strategic Thinking in Management

Per the Gallup StrengthFinder2.0 analysis, Strategic is my dominant strength.  In the description, it say: "The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, "What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?" This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path -- your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: "What if?" Select. Strike."
This deems to be pretty accurate.  I see patterns and shades and underlying reasons when most cannot see, analyze, and decide quickly.  I sometimes make bold decisions but staying in an indecisive state is far from me.
Given this, having a person who doesn't have strategic vision around bores me: an individual who cannot see the patterns, is very nearsighted, is unsure about his ideas but accept your ideas to turn around and ignore them.  I am figuring out that this is a strength that is not necessarily present to all. It is too much to ask all to have similar perspective.  But the art is to be able to pass along the vision and ideas and help rest to be able to see it.  I have been contemplating on Socrates approach; how he guided people to see his vision so patiently and compassionately.

Me, the Baby, and Budapest

The meeting I am attending is in Sofitel hotel, Budapest.  It is a nice hotel actually and what makes it nice is the service.  People are super friendly.  The waiters at the breakfast buffet smile at you and watch for your every need.  I thought may be it was only in the hotel but even outside people are not afraid to ask if you needed direction if you were looking on the map.  People seem relax and feeling safe.  And those who serve, don't act as if you are burden.  It is refreshing.
Yesterday the ladies in the Event team asked me if I wanted anything especial in my room, being pregnant and all.  I requested fruit graciously and received and enjoyed it.  Today in the elevator I got to meet a waiter who asked if I liked my fruit!!  I must be the only pregnant lady in the whole hotel.  It is kind of neat now actually as I feel like a celebrity.  My international colleagues are also really careful and complementing which is real nice.

En Route To Budapest

Going to the East Europe for the first time.  Budapest.  In the middle of February. Have been in the plane for hours already.  I have a headache, feel completely dry, and can't sleep.

The baby is moving.  Oh it is the sweetest thing.  I have started feeling her move since early January.  It was then two weeks ago that her movement got strong enough one morning to be felt from outside; her first strong move was felt by her dad actually as it was a Sat morning; Sat, Jan 26^th to be exact.  In this flight she has moved strongly a few times.  I think my sitting down idle has made her want to be active. I cherish her company.  Absolutely love it.  Thank You God!

Reaching the Unreachable

Last night, I got to attend one of my spiritual circles I had not been able to attend since October and  I learned something really valuable from my companions on The Path.

I was struggling how to "live" The Path of servant-hood, worship, and total surrender living in the 20th century era in the silicon valley of all places with all the egos flying around.  I felt that it could be easy To Be and To Serve, and To Pray while living in a secluded garden and meeting only people of The Path, eating from fresh fruit of the garden, and witnessing the beauty of God in everything and everyone around me.  I had not chosen that life.  But rather this.

In the midst of this battle, I got reminded last night that The Path is not to reach a state of perfection but rather a movement toward it.  That every effort matters, even just to recognize one's nafs, one's ego, in a situation.  There are beauties in the ego; this life is to be lived and to live, ego is needed.  When among people, it matters to try to recognize the Face of God. When among egos, may be it matters to let the heart decide even if the ego acts.

"The star shows the way across desert sands and at sea
fix your eyes on the Star, for he is the one to be followed

Keep your eye on his face
don't stir up dust with discussions and arguments

you'll just veil the Star with that dust
The witnessing eye is better than the stumbling tongue

Be silent so he may speak who calms the dust--
he whose garment is Divine inspiration."

                         Mathnwi VI: 2641-2647
                          Translated by Kabir Helminski

Feedback and All That is Around It

I believe in the empowering aspect of feedback.  I think feedback allows any individual, particularly the leaders, to assess their performance against their perception of themselves.

I believe it is an ability to possess or develop to seek feedback, not everyone is capable of doing it, now either out of fear of being criticized or contempt.

I have always sought colleagues' and management's feedback and even though most of the time positive, I focus on the not so positive ones in order to shape my path more effectively.  I know that is th perfectionist achiever in me in effect, preventing me to enjoy the positives and reprimanding me for the shortcomings.

Today I got a very interesting feedback from one of the perceived women leaders in the organization; that to seek input into your performance, especially as a woman, was a sign of insecurity and signaled the need for hand holding in the decision making process.

Even though I completely disagree with this comment, this was a contemplative input.  That some leaders equate seeking advice to needing guidance rather than an opportunity to improve, gauge,  and empower self to develop.  I am going to pause on this for a while and revisit an old book in the mean time:
What Management Is by Joan Magretta

An Unexpected Trip to Paris

Work summoned me to Paris.  It was a couple hectic days with early morning raise, metro rides, hospital visits, and case summaries.  All the work part ended up being super good, thank God!  Made all the hardships of the recent months feel rewarding.
Paris was cloudy and rainy and colder even perhaps compared to Odense.  But it was busy none the less, particularly many pedestrians despite the cold, which is one feature I admire in big cities.
I learned how my life style in US is unhealthy and against the rhythm of my body.  I need to feel the air on my skin, cold or hot, and I need to walk.  In my life in California, I need to carve out time for such walks while both in Odense and Paris I had to walk, a lot, and it all felt good and natural even more so on my pregnant body.
I got the opportunity to spend the last evening with friends and relax.  It was such a great pleasure.
My last transit via Frankfurt was uneventful.  Even though the security guy on US flights seems not to have changed, I was familiar with his borderline rude gestures and interrogations.
The business lounge and priority boarding lines can be quite interesting sometimes, as if when some people gain status they lose common sense of society and rights.  For example there was a lady ready to board the plane and was insisting that she was the beginning off the line.  But she was not even standing behind the gate but rather further away.  Plus her seat is predetermined, there wont be any loss or gain whether or not she is the first on board or the 10th.  That was enough for me to pray that she was not my companion in the eleven hour ride.  Thankfully, she was not.  And even better, my companion ended up being a young and polite gentleman who was also a product manager with technical background. We got to chat about work and societies and politics and movies and foods. It was easy to chat with him.  His companionship made the trip feel shorter and more pleasant. Plus I could sleep a few hours in the flight which was what my body  needed desperately.
I got to watch Hemingway and Gellhorn (TV 2012) which was a nice coincidence to the leisure book I am reading, The Paris Wife.  It was enough to know Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen were staring in it and that it was about Ernest Hemingway, my new passion.  I really enjoyed watching it.  I got to know how writing was a challenge even for greatest writers like Hemingway in the book I was reading.  Then, in this movie also, Martha Gellhorn said once "there is a lot happening [in the war] but when I sit down to write, nothing."  I liked it, although not even a emote comparison but I had felt the same thing exactly many times.  The other coincidental matter about the movie was the depiction of the Franco era in Spain.  Funnily, I got to hear about this part of Spanish history through Dr G.G. in Denmark over the 2nd day lunch.  Made me wonder at the world connectivity even at such trivial level.  Or is such matters like hearing the story of a fascist via person born and raised in a communist country and then watching it in an american movie really that trivial?
Wars.  And all the boys and girls who watched their mothers die in front of their eyes living their tiny little hands stained with their innocent bloods. "little by little I am getting really angry" as Gellhorn sited from a young boy in the war.
It should have been really tough and dark living in 1920-1945 era in the world with all the enmities and famines.
Now the reality of this time is the enmity against particular religions.  Such a pity!
On the subject of love Gellhorn said "the greatest enemy of love is boredom" and not jealousy.  Made me wonder.  Hemingway had written to Gellhorn "love is infinitely more durable than hate"; why is that?  To me, hate is not the opposite to love, hate is an excess anger, and hence can be coexisting with love.  But the opposite of love?  I think it is disappointment.
I took the 280 route back home which was indeed a pleasure.  Particularly since it was sunny in California after a week of rain, mist, and clouds in Odense and Paris.  The good music I was listening to made everything even more likable.
Now out to a carved out time to walk in the fade sub of this Sunday afternoon.

Last Night - Odense - Denmark

I was impressed with Odense in this trip spending 3 nights here.  It is a calm and green city.  We walked from hospital back to hotel both today and yesterday which was a 30 minute walk.  This got us an opportunity to observe the city and the people a bit more closely.

The city is humid, and naturally green.  The buildings are mainly old but well maintained.  There are many strange status and fountains around the city.  People walk a lot, and bike a lot, even now which is winter time.  There are special bike bath everywhere and there are many Christiana's Bikes around the city, some even carry their kids and baby's in the front cabin.

It seems like the handy crafts are still valuable here.  I observed a sewing shop with many sewing machines and people working on them.  And many many yard shops.  Apparently people knit a lot here because they were all very crowded too.  Also wood works and straw utensils abundant in the shops.  Kids appear relax and I found groups of kids chatting or walking or even sitting in a cafe having a snack by themselves.  No sign of paranoia as I am used to observe in kids in US.

People are not rushed.  They walk and bike and leisurely go through the shops.  I was impressed how the cafes were crowded, always parties of two or more, and all the time chatting!  I observed many women groups.  It was real fun to watch. In the restaurants and cafes waiters and waitresses are friendly but they do not smile.  And they wont check on you unless you ask for it.

I did not see many foreign looking people I must say.  Even though one of the neurosurgeons in the hospital is actually Persian. But not many black-haired people in the street I must say.

All in all, after a work assignment accomplished successfully and satisfactorily, I am happy with the city and ready to leave for Paris tomorrow.
.

First Morning - Odense - Denmark

I turned off the lights at 12:45 AM and got up at 4 AM local time.  Now, that is called a good night sleep!!  Of course I am being sarcastic in case you were wondering.
I gave up hope at 6:45 and got up and worked some.  It is 7:35 AM and the sky is pitch black!!  I saw a couple school kids heading to school on foot.  It should be hard waking up and heading out while it still feels like the middle of the night.
We are meeting with colleagues at 8:30 for breakfast so I made a cup of green tea to carry some more work.  Talk to you later.

A Business Trip to Denmark

Got upgraded from San Francisco to Frankfurt: My first First Class experience.  Indeed more convenient!!

I have been traveling by care and plane and train for almost 22 hours now with very little time on the ground. When I stand up I feel like I am still moving actually.  But finally I am in Odense, Denmark.  We met with two other colleagues for a quick and rather bland dinner at a cafe 30 feet from the hotel.  There is mist in the air which is a fine experience after many rains back home lately.

My body is really tired but my brain doesn't want to shut down.  I had to work some too after dinner but thankfully it was a fruitful experience although made me even more alert.

I got to watch a movie and another half a movie in the first leg of my travel.  I jot down some quick notes in the plane about them.

Hope Springs (2012)
Meryl Streep was as lovely as ever and had a nice performance and like always, reminded me of my dear G.K.
While watching, however, I found tears in my eyes. After 10 minutes into the movie I was asking myself why I was watching this. It was about an unhappy dull marriage of 31 years. The couple were used to routines of a bland life and even had separated bedrooms. They were essentially sharing a house but not a life.  But the lady, the old woman in the movie, she wanted a "marriage"; she wanted to be kissed. She wanted to make love and feel wanted. She loved her husband but all that dullness had made her wonder about the vows.
She wanted a new marriage. She decided to give it a last shot and enrolled in "an intense marriage counseling" in a remote town in Main that cost her $4000 of her savings.

At one session in the counseling when she was not accompanied by her husband she said she was lonely but she was not sure if she would feel the same if she was alone.

Granted, at one odd moment towards the end of the movie among the wife's disappointments the husband realized how he was losing her, finally! And things got happy again.

Again. They were happy at first it seemed. They wanted each other.  But they had lost it in the process.

That is the odd irony that made me cry I guess.

Liberal Arts (2012)

Didn't get to watch it through and now it feels like a lingering thought thinking about it.

A 35 year old guy living a dull life in New York is summoned back to his alpha mater college in Ohio to the retirement party of his favorite prof. It was funny how the movie "showed" his feeling about being back to a place he used to dream anything was possible as a college boy. A college girl he meets is talkative and spontaneous. She is talking about a class she took last year "that changed her life". Yeah! I remember those days. Those that lives could be changed; those days bloated with possibilities.

All the ideas in the young minds. All the idealism.

I miss that!

Not that my college years at IUT were anywhere close to the liberty of this college in Ohio. Far from it on the outside. Note also that I was studying engineering and these are liberal arts students with art and novels and music. Yet, we had lots of fresh ideas too, and sky was the limit when I was in college as well. We had books that changed our lives and music that motivated us to be creative.

 Music indeed changes ones perspective of the same thing.

There was Phantom ad on a bus in one scene in New York.  And the dude found the he loved opera.

To be continued after/if I watched the whole movie.

And the bell rang 12 times.  I better try to get some shut eyes even if not shut brain. Godnat as they would say in Denmark.

Las Vegas

After 12 years I came back here on vacation even though work has brought me here a few times in between which does not count.  I think in A's eyes this should look like a Nickle City or Chuck-e-Cheeses but for grown ups.
I truly do not enjoy gambling.  Haven't stopped at one station yet.
Today we walked, and walked, and walked almost the whole day.  I hope I have shed some extra pounds (beyond what is needed for the baby) today.
What is really nice about this trip though is how family is with us.  It is great from all angles.  Many partners to chat with, many occasions to laugh, and several people to watch A at any time.  He seems really relax and happy.  I am so happy for him.
What is the nagging thought ruining my so called "vacation" is "work".  I woke up thinking about it and am going to bed after working several hours non stop on it.  Everyone tells me to relax and enjoy but I can do neither although I try to at least enjoy the memory of it all.

The Career Destiny

My dear R.N. says always that "your career has a destiny".  This is a phrase to pause on for me.  What she means is how the advancement in career does not need our struggle, it happens, after we put some energy and thought into it of course.
It is hard sometimes to think that things have their own destiny.  Life happens.  Death happens.  Love happens.  Separation happens.  And most likely, we had hardly anything to do with them..
Now, career happens too.  It has its own course, and it happens.

the new era

I got an offer from a very reputable medical device company.
The me side of me is very excited and happy; the mom side of me, however, is wary and hesitant. This is going to be a new era for me, and for us. I am going to become more independent from Arman and vice versa.
I am going to resume my professional life, and grow mentally and professionally. At the same time I am going to miss Arman like crazy.
Arman is going to meet other children every day, play with them, eat with them, babble words with them, and learn with them. He might miss me for a while. Eventually though he will grow out of it, I am sure. He will start to find this as a new routine in his life.
I, however, am never gonna grow out of missing him. That is only my feeling and I have no proof for that but I am confident.
This is the worst thing about being a mom so far: having to leave my baby with another person.