Scary Illusion

I still sound like myself.
Driving to work I got caught in traffic, again.  Hence, it was a long drive with lots of break and go and I was trapped in this quiet can called my car.  I turned on the radio but it sounded horrible to my ears.  So I turned it off and not bearing my thoughts I impulsively called my mom to regret my decision by the sound of the first ring, I was not in the mood.  Luckily, I got the vmail.
Sitting in the car I was thinking about all the floating thoughts and watch them get louder and louder.  They were deafening!
I finally got to work and slid into my cube and got busy.  Busy working, busy responding emails, busy composing some.
It is Halloween tonight and I was supposed to wear a costume to work but I found no appetite to put on all the make up required.  I bailed at the last minute.  Especially because I felt I already looked scary because of all the scary illusions in my head.
I felt I looked different already.
Ring.  The phone rang.  I hesitated, would I sound different?  Would I sound sad as I felt so?  Would they hear the tears that were blocking my throat?  I had to respond.
Hi Lady J.A. I said.  And paused.  Did she hear me?
Happy Halloween she responded!
Phew!  She didn't hear me!
I could keep up with this costume.  No make up needed.

Life

Sometimes it feels as if I am that Leila being dragged away into the depth of the desert night, unnoticed in the crowd of the caravan; but strangely it feels as if, at the same time, I am the lover of that Leila, left behind, forbidden to be with her, to meet her, to have her; hopelessly watching her go.

Sometimes it feels as if I have been observing my life being lived.

5K Run

I never ran a 10K run, even though I had thought about it and aimed at it.  It was not indeed me.  It becomes too boring for me to run.  Although right now my only exercise is a 2.3Km walk/run every other night that takes me about 20 minutes to finish.  In addition to a healthy exercise, it is a mean to depressurize the day.
Yesterday, however, M ran a 5K in 25 minutes and 27 seconds and broke his own record of 27 minutes.  He just started running about two months ago.  I am proud of him!

The Fog Mystery

It was a rainy afternoon.  The kind of rain that had weightless drops with no rush to fall on the wet ground.
She walked the single street in downtown toward south and hardly got wet except by a layer of moist on her cloth. The street was deserted with only a few pedestrians walking hastily to find a shelter, some even holding umbrellas.
She sat down by the curb under the cafe's canopy; she was the single patron on the balcony.  She positioned herself toward the southern hills.  The hills were still green with layers and layers of fog covering  them with different intensity at different elevation, alluring her with a tempting mystery.
Her mocha and panini arrived; the cup was steaming hot, bitter, foamy, creamy; just perfect.
She felt the moist of the rain on her fluffed hair, then sat back to breathe in all the freshness.
Suddenly, she heard a footstep behind her, contently walking toward her, not running like all else.  She had called him and now here he was coming to join her for the evening even though he had said he wouldn't.  She got her mocha to go and walked to the fog mystery with him; never more understood.

Business Smart Fashion for Fall

Black tall boots with comfortable short heels, a finely knitted black dress, and stockings (rather sheer).

This attire is compact to pack, it is easy to maintain, it matches any accessories, and above all, it looks smart.  I have proof for that.

I travelled to Oregon last night with a tiny bag that carried all my stuff.  I spent less than 6 hours in a hotel room.  I had enough time to sleep for four hours and 40 minutes, to take a quick shower, and to recharge my iPhone and iPad.

I met with our sales representative, J.R. around 7:34AM in the lobby.  We headed to the Starbucks on the other side of the street where we were served by a very pretty, blue-eyed blond-curly-haired girl; just my opposites in terms of features.  She looked innocent; I think it was her eyes; and I was happy to look at her for as long as I did as J.R. took some time to pick his pastry.

After a quick chat about the account we were going to visit with my colleague we walked back to his car and drove down to the acount.
The downtown area where my hotel was located at looked clean and un-crowded for an early morning rush.  Soon after getting out of the downtown district we reached a road on a hill toward the hospital.  There was a green forest at one side that was a refreshing surprise.

Our meeting was going to happen at the hospital.  The hospital was located on top of a hill with a nice view of the city.  It was in there that I concluded that the people of that city were friendly:

In Oregan it was clearly the beginning of falls as it was chilly and most people were in jackets and even scarves.  It was grey and cloudy.  One would anticipate grumpy people delved in their misery until next spring, especially in a university hospital to where people with problems would come. Not at all!  Inside the hospital, people were walking calmly, no haste, no grumpiness.  They appeared friendly, smiling at strangers (me).  They would excuse themselves for being even close to bump to you (not yet bumping you).  They would hold doors and take turn in getting in and out of elevators.

We got to the 11^th floor where I got introduced to Dr B., the main person I wanted to meet in this trip.  We had never met before but I had sent him one email the day before to introduce myself and announce my intent for the visit. He was busy with cases and mending his interns so we had small talks here and there until finally we were summoned to his office.  As soon as we sat down he said: “so you are in marketing but you are an engineer”.  I was like “!!!! How do you know??!!”.–“well, you are smart and honest.” –“!!!”

So, when I stopped at lady’s room I took a good look at my image.  This was a smart and honest looking lady.  But what was fascinating was how he said I WAS smart and honest, not that I SEEMED smart and honest or I LOOKED smart and honest.  That was neat!  I suspect that it is the smart looking attire ;)

About Portland

The district close to downtown is called Pearl District and has a rather modern vibe to it.  It has old factories converted to lofts, condos, and little shops.  There were small boutiques with modern arts and furniture and quite a few book shops.

I asked J.R. about a local coffee chain to which he responded “stumptown”.  The mocha was just fantastic!  It was indeed bitter with no overwhelming sugary taste, it felt creamy and rich.  I miss its taste already.

Many people walking on foot and apparently the public transportation is well-programmed.

I liked Portland as far as I could explore it in a 14-hour business trip.

Suddenly Wishes

Suddenly I have this pressing urge to change a few things and to improve, both professionally and personally.  My mind is pretty scattered about the subject.  I am thinking about academic programs like masters degrees, or courses and seminars; I am reviewing books and I have borrowed a couple from the library browsing them in between chores and A's demands and sleepy times. I am thinking I need to talk to a few valued people and seek some guidance.

I am feeling restless at times thinking how pushed back I feel by the conduct of some individuals.  I think I need to work on my self image and redefine myself.

Then I get in argument with myself whether or not I need all this.  I keep comparing myself with who I was at school a decade ago.  How determined and self assured I was and how, in the course of time and distance, while life was happening, in between feedback and judgement, in comparing cultures and languages, I lots it.

I know it is very unlike me and it pains to even admit to this down time full of doubts.

I know I am tired.   I know I need a vacation, just some time away, afar.

But for now, here I am.  And what is funny is that I am conducting fine at work, A is happy and healthy and progressing with school, M is calm and content with me, home is well maintained, friends are in touch, family is doing well.

It is only me focusing on self defined failures.  I wish to change this.  I know it does not take books and courses and seminars.  It takes a second to change back.  To stop comparing myself and just be.  I am.