Suddenly I have this pressing urge to change a few things and to improve, both professionally and personally. My mind is pretty scattered about the subject. I am thinking about academic programs like masters degrees, or courses and seminars; I am reviewing books and I have borrowed a couple from the library browsing them in between chores and A's demands and sleepy times. I am thinking I need to talk to a few valued people and seek some guidance.
I am feeling restless at times thinking how pushed back I feel by the conduct of some individuals. I think I need to work on my self image and redefine myself.
Then I get in argument with myself whether or not I need all this. I keep comparing myself with who I was at school a decade ago. How determined and self assured I was and how, in the course of time and distance, while life was happening, in between feedback and judgement, in comparing cultures and languages, I lots it.
I know it is very unlike me and it pains to even admit to this down time full of doubts.
I know I am tired. I know I need a vacation, just some time away, afar.
But for now, here I am. And what is funny is that I am conducting fine at work, A is happy and healthy and progressing with school, M is calm and content with me, home is well maintained, friends are in touch, family is doing well.
It is only me focusing on self defined failures. I wish to change this. I know it does not take books and courses and seminars. It takes a second to change back. To stop comparing myself and just be. I am.