Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Suddenly Wishes

Suddenly I have this pressing urge to change a few things and to improve, both professionally and personally.  My mind is pretty scattered about the subject.  I am thinking about academic programs like masters degrees, or courses and seminars; I am reviewing books and I have borrowed a couple from the library browsing them in between chores and A's demands and sleepy times. I am thinking I need to talk to a few valued people and seek some guidance.

I am feeling restless at times thinking how pushed back I feel by the conduct of some individuals.  I think I need to work on my self image and redefine myself.

Then I get in argument with myself whether or not I need all this.  I keep comparing myself with who I was at school a decade ago.  How determined and self assured I was and how, in the course of time and distance, while life was happening, in between feedback and judgement, in comparing cultures and languages, I lots it.

I know it is very unlike me and it pains to even admit to this down time full of doubts.

I know I am tired.   I know I need a vacation, just some time away, afar.

But for now, here I am.  And what is funny is that I am conducting fine at work, A is happy and healthy and progressing with school, M is calm and content with me, home is well maintained, friends are in touch, family is doing well.

It is only me focusing on self defined failures.  I wish to change this.  I know it does not take books and courses and seminars.  It takes a second to change back.  To stop comparing myself and just be.  I am.


Mitra said...

Nice written post. I do like the style of your writings. I have the same feeling that I need to redefine myself as well, personally and professionally. Maybe it’s because of high expectation that we were brought up but I found it difficult to feel satisfactory with my achievements and deep inside I feel inadequate. This lovely quotation is nice to remind to be happier inside: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”

midnight/... said...

Nice quote Mitra! Thanks for sharing! And thanks for visiting!