Monday, October 31, 2011

Scary Illusion

I still sound like myself.
Driving to work I got caught in traffic, again.  Hence, it was a long drive with lots of break and go and I was trapped in this quiet can called my car.  I turned on the radio but it sounded horrible to my ears.  So I turned it off and not bearing my thoughts I impulsively called my mom to regret my decision by the sound of the first ring, I was not in the mood.  Luckily, I got the vmail.
Sitting in the car I was thinking about all the floating thoughts and watch them get louder and louder.  They were deafening!
I finally got to work and slid into my cube and got busy.  Busy working, busy responding emails, busy composing some.
It is Halloween tonight and I was supposed to wear a costume to work but I found no appetite to put on all the make up required.  I bailed at the last minute.  Especially because I felt I already looked scary because of all the scary illusions in my head.
I felt I looked different already.
Ring.  The phone rang.  I hesitated, would I sound different?  Would I sound sad as I felt so?  Would they hear the tears that were blocking my throat?  I had to respond.
Hi Lady J.A. I said.  And paused.  Did she hear me?
Happy Halloween she responded!
Phew!  She didn't hear me!
I could keep up with this costume.  No make up needed.


Anonymous said...

Why are you so sad?

midnight/... said...

Thanks for asking but alas cannot say.
A friend of mine once said growing is painful; when one gets to be worthy of bigger truth, one hurts she said. I am not sure if it is the case with me right now. All I know is that I need to find the Divine in all that's sorounding me but feel too tiny to be worthy of it all.